Hello people, forgive me for taking such a long hiatus! But just as a caterpiller needs time in its cacoon to turn into a beautiful butterfly, I my friends needed time to grow!
And Grow I did...... more and more I am catching myself before I remotely do anything that I will regret. You see I have always been a why not girl instead of why, but as these weeks have passed I have made a concscious effort to say why not but also to say why to things when I already know the outcome! For instance, a few nights ago I was asked to go out on a date! Now in the past I would have just said yes for the heck of it but since I know the individual and how he operates I knew one thing for sure, that since he has shown he likes me and has asked me out on this date I am giving him the idea that I am interested in him and the B.S he is spewing out of his mouth if I say yes! Yuck no bueno.... I would rather clean the food out of my braces then lead anyone on!
Oh yeah, New developments in my life since I am certain you are salivating for the info.......NO?....... lol I know but I will at least pretend like I am important! I am officially a brace face, and if you follow my twitter @Shayrah or facebook page you would know that, I also got My new car...Oh she is beautiful. Its a 2011 Ford Fusion and she is an electric blue! SO of course I named her mystique, I think its pretty fitting! Also its time to tell you what my job is!!! I will be a columnist for the Final Call newspaper! I am hoping to create a column that highlights the youth around the nation and all the unsung heroes as well as entertainers that are shedding positive light on their communities by doing positive work! So be looking out for me and once you read what we are looking for make sure you write in or email because I will be looking forward to the journey and I welcome any support. And Inshallah soon I will be in the studio recording some music I have been working on.....so fingers crossed and prayers in the air for I have a feeling that this is my start up year........Next year will be one for the books this year is just setting it in Motion!
Now to get to the nitty gritty. I know you are wondering where in the world has she been! I mean it has been a month and we havent heard anything, no blog, no nothing. LOL Well let me assure you that it wasnt my intention to take such a large break. I had some things to deal with. My mind had to be right so that I could touch all of you with a sane mind and not one corrupted with anger jealousy or saddness. I understand that you can not be happy 100% of the time but I am striving to keep those moments to myself as to not let the vultures in to help defeat me. For example just to give you a little taste of what I have been dealing with....
I recieved an email at the beginning of the month, honestly I thought someone was playing a Joke on me being that it was April 1st and all, but to my surprise it was an email from my ex! Hmmmmmm strange seeing as how for the past almost 3 months I have made a conscious effort to forget all about him and distract myself, and also we have had no contact, and it was he that didnt want the contact. Of course eventually I realized it was for the best. However I constantly wondered why! I used to tell other women that would be going through something similar, that there is no use in wondering why over a man that never thought to give you the reason in the beginning. SN: I really hate men like that, they keep you hanging on with the omission of how they really feel! Look I am a woman and I dont need a punk and that is just some really punk loser lame soft type stuff when a man cant just stand up and give you a reason or be bold enough to say LOOK IM GOOD AND THIS ISNT WORKING, or I AM JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! WHatever it may be just say it, why make a good woman bitter for another man if you really dont want her, dont destroy her for the next!
Any who in this message my Wildest dreams came true, that he was thinking of me still and that he was reaching out. Well maybe not my wildest but I will be honest, there was a moment when I really wanted him to call and say you are an amazing woman and I was so stupid and so on and so forth, and of course then I would make him suffer by letting him see just how glorious I am but make it clear that he would never have me!!!!!!!! But while I read this selfish little email of a simple man who clearly is out of his league I couldnt help but chuckle.
You see when you are a good woman you dont need to rub it in anyone's face to make them feel bad. The reality is it is torture to see an angel just out of your reach when you know at one time she was in your arms. I know I am not perfect, but in my heart in my mind and in the way I treat people I am not far from it. And when you have a woman that makes it easy for you to love the worse feeling in the world (after you take that love for granted) is to know that you will never feel that from her again.
I am no longer angry at him! I have grown astronomically because I seriously could not care more of what he is doing where he is at and who he is doing it with! I truly do not care, and that is a blessing. I had to get to a point where the things I was doing was not out of spite for him but was for the love of me,
In the beginning I would go on dates just to so to speak smack him in the face, but now it seems so silly to even think that I thought that way. So many wonderful things have happened for me and are still happening for me that I can no longer block my blessings wishing ill on the already less fortunate.
I am quite glad I am out of that and also elated that I am completely in charge of myself! I have enjoyed saying the word no and yes but only when I really want it. I have my voice! It feels wonderful! I am a new woman so to speak. I have lost weight not only the physical kind but I have lost weight on my soul! I no longer am harboring feelings of resentment (that weighs you down more than weight can sometimes) And I am feeling light as a feather, on point like an arrow and I'm on target like Robin Hood was taking aim! All in all I am feeling blessed!
The guys that were around to distract me from my saddness in the beginning have weaved themselves in and right out of my life to help mend a hole that was much smaller than I thought! But now that its mended I am truly ready to complete my tapestry whether it be myself or with someone who deserves me and I them. I am looking inward for my happiness and motivation and things are limitless! I know no bounds and I have no fear..... I am truly greatful for the experience and this thing called life. I know this isnt filled with as many anecdotes as ones in the past but I truly just wanted to say! I am happy.......... And if you are not.....its not that hard to get there, just remove those stressful people out of your life and the stressful situations wont seem as bad! Cant believe I am saying this but like Tyler Perry (I can do bad all by myself) and that is the truth, but you can also be happy all by yourself too!
