Hello guys and dolls enter if you dare, this post may be slightly risque but I am just really feeling some type of way and I need to get it off my chest!
So this whole single thing is a trip! Its like one part of you is so elated that you have time for yourself and nothing is holding you back, and then you see those God awful kissy face couples that make you want to blow your brains out.
No I am not saying that I want a relationship, and I am not even here to talk about how disgusting the people in relationships are (jealous much?) Ok maybe just a little but dear Lord do you really need to hold hands everywhere, or share sweet kisses when you know everyone is looking or just be so damn happy! I hate you all..... Ok not hate because if I was in your shoes I would probably be the same way! SO truly from the bottom of my heart I hope that you are happy with your loved ones and never find out that he (or hey in these times she) is sleeping with the "babysitter"! LOL Just playing......or am I?
Ok so now that i have shown how.... well i would say bitter but i would never admit that about myself...... so I will say caring..... HAHAHA.... yeah, now that I have shown how caring i am I would like to paint a little picture for you.
Ok so yesterday I was having this conversation with a guy who was explaining to me how his relationship was going awry or went awry and he is no longer in a relationship,and it was so sad because you could tell he is one of those guys that likes being in relationships you know a serial monogamist, which I cant really hold that against him because I used to be that way too. So anyway he is asking me for advice on why this girl broke up with him and what he should do.
First of all I have no clue why a$$holes do what they do! It puts me in a bind because sometimes when i am listening to these stories i just kinda sit there with the o_O face thinking about something that is not going over my head..... Like seriously what am I supposed to say? and not just to relationship questions but anything... for example
Them: so what does it mean if she broke up with me but she still calls me everyday
Me (ok one or two things come to mind the nice version and the real version, the nice version goes a little something like this) Well maybe she is just confused and she wants to get back with you but doesn't know how!
the real version that would probably hurt someones feelings would be: Dude she is just keeping you in her back pocket in case the dude she is up under right now doesn't work out!
(ok i probably shouldn't say that but its true!
Just think about it. Anytime you are the person who is doing the break up odds are you have somebody in mind or you have met someone and want to see where it could go!
Its a cruel reality but not very many people like being alone. People focus so much on being in relationships or having someone that they put up with an obscene amount of bullsh@& just so they have a warm body to sleep next to at night or they can gloat to there single friends that hmmmmph I got a man! Yeah you have a man alright but you are back burner sweetie, and at least in my single world I am always number 1.
But I digress.......... we began talking about how strange it is that people who are serial monogamists never really link up with each other! There are some people that are born with a relationship gene and odds are they don't run into those types. I hear a lot of married people or engaged people talking and the one thing they have in common is "I thought I was never going to get married, I didn't really want to but when I met so and so it just clicked)
Meanwhile the rest of us are bashing are brains in trying to figure out why nothing is clicking for us!
In a landslide victory I have voted myself expert on the matter and here is the stitch!
I believe its because people want people so badly they will settle for anything. But eventually you realize it wasn't what you wanted but instead of letting go the other person gets tired of you and disposes of you like a used up snot rag.
The truth is that if a person really wants you they would do everything in their power to keep you. Think about it! Do you know any man that just wants other men having an opportunity to stake claim on their Woman's heart mind or time, or vice-versa? HECKY NAW!!!!!!
In love we are all greedy and its ok to admit that! Its a beautiful thing to be able to feel like you cant get enough of a persons conversation or presence or whatever else comes along with being in a relationship.
But the thing for those of us that are not.......... You cant allow a person to use you up... no matter how dope the prospect!
I have been this girl once, going out on dates for dating sake, showing someone a little favor or just showing the wrong person just how special you are and it never works out right!
Either I know that nothing will come of it but they dont! Serious feelings are developed for a person that you really are just not compatible with, or friendships are ruined because you crossed the friendship line.
Even when you are meeting someone new......
Lets say they are beautiful face and body, mind seems cool, heart you aren't sure of.... now this brings me to my title!
Does he really want to know what makes you tick or is he more interested in ticking you?
If he only calls you late at night he just wants to tick
If all he ever brings up is ticking.... he just wants to tick
If you don't know his birthday his mothers name or where he went to school but you do know and he has emphatically told you his shoe size, his stamina drive and he only compliments your body... he definitely only wants to tick.
And just because he is cute has money or power does not mean you need to entertain this foolishness! Having standards is not a bad thing. Yeah I know we are seeing a lot of these women out here who objectify themselves and allow people to objectify them, getting chose, but how miserable must that be to only be viewed as a play thing. Whats going to happen when you are used up? We see it all the time, A fresher model always comes in and there is no amount of surgery that stops you from getting older. This is not Death Becomes Her, and there is no magic potion.
But when someone is interested in finding out what makes you tick, they are interested with everything you do, will read whatever you write and bring it up to you, they want to brag about all of your awesome qualities, not even your body! Matter of fact a good man wants to keep that all for himself. He could here you talk for hours without the need to get inebriated first, or keep you laughing because he loves the way you turn red when you giggle. They want to watch the way you chew they think when you cry its beautiful but they don't ever want to be the reason you do unless its one of those "its so beautiful" cries. They will do what it takes to have you no matter where in the world you are..... that is real.
And I would rather spend a lifetime happy with myself until I find that something that is real than be in a relationship with a person that I will most likely grow to hate and waste my precious time.
The craziest thing is when I say this people look at me like I am crazy! "What you aren't gonna do xy&z.... that's how you find out if we are compatible" ( Are you kidding me right now, did that horses&it just spew out of your mouth?...ok no thank you,......NEXT)
Or...
"Well I think its naive to think you wont deal with bullsh!& from your partner you just have to know which s*&t you can handle.... and I'm sorry but all men chea" ( excuse me I'm sorry please get the hell out of my face right now!
I know relationships have problems but if the whole cheating thing is the truth kill me now! Just because most might, I don't excuse it, pardon it, or let it go unnoticed, and I damn sure am not putting up with it!
Hold on to your standards people! Either force people to step up to the plate or leave their a$$es alone. Why would you drag yourself down in the mud when odds are you are way better than that.
Please for the Love of God!~..>>>>>STOP TICKING FOR TICKING'S SAKE!
SOMEONE GREAT WILL COME ALONG THAT IS WORTH YOUR TIME AND WORTH THE WAIT!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Its Been Awhile!!!!!!
Well hello blog world and all that visit to say hello, I have a message! You may not want to hear it but guess what? (I dont give a damn) HAHAHA!
Ok so I know I have been neglecting you all for a few months (please dont bite my head off, my sister and others have already done it for me!) Thats right I am headless at the computer right now.... unbelievable right! Somebody call Oprah we have a story! Oh ..... wait ..... she is not on the air anymore (damn I missed everything)
Well anyway a lot has sure happened to me and I feel I am getting closer to my goal! I have been staying positive most of the time but there are still days where I would rather lie in the bed! I think its because I dont have enough to do! Its crazy! I am one of those people that can run off of a few hours sleep when I am doing what I love but cant move a muscle to rouse myself out of bed when I am doing something that is just.......well....boring!
So as to not bore you I will try and make my dull life and dull opinions as exciting as possible.
So I have tried so hard to forget Lord Voldemort...... anyone that knows me and the "situatiom" think about it, it fits! And for some reason he keeps appearing in my dreams. The funny thing is where in the daytime I close my eyes and feel a pang of hurt at night when I dream I am just utterly pissed off! Like seriously I think I have problems. On more than a handful of occasions I have cursed him out, beat him up, and I am always super disgusted anytime I see his face! Like vomit worthy! (that has also started happening when I am awake) I think I just want to purge him from everything in my existence! I am lucky I dont have any gifts from him that reminds me! Well except for this spine adjuster thingy ( I know right) what kind of gift is that! I guess its the thought but its like geez what were you thinking! Im not 70 years old Im' no hump back! Shoot I am a young 25 very agile and active and have more energy in my pinky than he ever had....................well nevermind! Lets just say I am not an old maid! But I realize that I started to act like one.
Life is super short! Celebrating my birthday made me realize that! If God blesses me to see 100 then my life is already a quarter over! That is scary! My mom just celebrated 50 and she looks great but I wonder what she thinks about looking back! its a blink of an eye! My 25 years sneaked up on me and I imagine 50 feels the same way when you are a young fiery spirit! That's why I am not wasting time with anyone! Male, female young or old ...no one is above getting the boot!
For instance I met this girl who was really nice! She is the kindest sweetheart in the world honestly but whenever she starts to talk everything negative that she has ever experienced in her life comes pouring out! Come ON!!!!!! Nobody wants to hear that EVERY TIME they talk to you! I mean when I tell a horrible story I try to end it on a light note like finding the silver lining or the lesson learned which makes the situation more palatable but after I talk to her I just feel like slitting my wrist, needless to say I think she is a danger to my health.
SO I'm so sorry boo but you gotta go! Maybe every so often I will shoot you a text but I just cant handle all the drama I have enough of my own!
Speaking of drama some crazy azy things have happened! First of all the Bastard had the nerve to text me on my birthday and remind me to wish my good friends daughter happy birthday too! Ummmmmmm could you please just scram! I was enjoying that you were all the way out of my life! Its really pissing me off that all of our mutual friends are now calling me reminding me and even suggesting that there may be a future for he and I! You are kidding right.....im teetering between homicide and amnesia and you want to fuel that fire? Please dont catch someone else's butt whooping! But fyi for those of you that do read my blog and know our situation it would behoove you to just shut the.......well you know the rest!
SO I have been doing a bit of traveling working on music and making connections and it seems that some things might take off! I dont know when or where But I am chomping at the bit! I miss the stage sooooooooo Bad! Performing at this years Tupac event in Atl at the symphony hall was enough to wet my appetite but I am just eager to get back into the swing of things. However this writing thing is working out nicely. I hope you all have caught a few of my articles.
Its weird seeing your name your words sometimes even your pictures in print! Conducting interviews and reporting stories takes some getting used to, but its still a small stage and I like being on it!
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to be involved in a black publishers convention! My boss kind of volunteered my services to help out but it was cool! I learned a lot!
Like for instance......people do not read, if you are young and pretty you will attract an old geezer, and there is a shelf life for big hair, long nails and loud makeup!
It really bothered me being in a room full of so called writers that could not read a damn sign!
Them:"excuse me where is registration?"
Me "well sir if you swivel your lazy a$$ head to the left you will see a big red and yellow sign that has in BIG BOLD BLACK LETTERING "REGISTRATION" (Ok I didnt really say that but man I wanted to. had some of the dumbest questions that day.
Me: "yes can I get your lunch ticket?
Them: "which one is that?
Me: The one with todays date on it that says lunch"
Or another conversation
Me: can I get your meal ticket?
Th:em: Oh I dont have one
Me well have you registered?
Them: No
Me: well you have to register before I can allow you in
Them: you mean to tell me I cant eat without a meal ticket?
(WTF did i just say! I wanted to be like NO DUMMY!!!!)
Or (and this was the killer)
Short fat lady walks into the first meeting and immediately goes to the refreshment table
Me: Im sorry maam but we are not serving the refreshments just yet
Her:*smacks teeth* Well they usually let us get the refreshments early
Me: Well I apologize but these refreshments are for the meeting, are you here for the meeting?
Her: Ummm well my meeting starts at 2
Me: Well these are for the meeting that starts at 10.....
So she waddles away grumbling under her breath! I wanted to snatch her by the hair and kick her in her fat stomach, but she didn't have enough hair to execute the "grab and fling" properly.
But the thing that blew me the most was the fact that after the meeting was underway she came in and got some refreshments anyway and put them in her purse! I wanted to Napoleon Dynamite her a$$ and stomp her purse but I was across the room and couldnt reach her!
Now I am by no means a child, I am a young adult. However if you are over the age of 40 or lets be super real over the age of 35 I am gonna need you to keep on walking because I am NOT talking to you! There was this man with a cookie starter kit trying to be all up in my face and All I kept thinking was are those dentures or caps) either way they were big and hella bright! And it made his pedophile grin that much more creepy! But anyway he is all in my face talking about how he needs a woman like me and then some lady comes up to him and says....hey so and so how is your wife and kids? Immediately he gets flustered and carts her away to have the conversation in private. WTF hahahaha BUSTED!!!!!
Its really sickening to walk by a pack of old men and hear them grunt and sigh and mmmmmmm yuck! I really wish I could have just choked them all out!Its like how perverse can you be... half of you have wife and kids and children older than me! I am so not above busting the knee caps of an old man! Seriously sisters watch out for your girls! There are some old a$$ rattlesnakes trying to get in a very young garden! (Gross)
And lets talk about these old a$$ women that cant let it go! I hate when I see women over 50 even over 40 dressing like they are coming from the club! The young girls dont look great when they do it but at least their boobies werent around in the time of Nixon! Please cover those up! And I was seeing that everywhere! There was this one woman who had more hair than I have ever seen in life! She bought out the beauty supply with all that was on her head! I know it had to be heavy..... It was wild and big and covered half of her face which if it wasn't caked up with makeup I probably would be even more upset. But this chick seriously looked like a shrunken head.
Her nails were no picnic either! THey looked like coco from SWV! Which I have always wondered how do women wipe themselves with long nails like that?! UGH I dont know and they had the nerve to be blood red! Then her face was so caked up with makeup I thought it was peeling off the way it was catching in her many wrinkles! And she had the nerve to have on coral lipstick with blue eyeshadow! I was so done! Just let it go......
Times like these I am grateful that I have the mother I have! SHe is classy elegant and getting older with grace. She looks so young and I feel blessed to have her genes! But I know that in order to maintain that you have to stay away from those things that are bad for you.
This doesnt start when you are in your 50s or 40s it starts now! Otherwise we can all end up looking like______________
Ok so I know I have been neglecting you all for a few months (please dont bite my head off, my sister and others have already done it for me!) Thats right I am headless at the computer right now.... unbelievable right! Somebody call Oprah we have a story! Oh ..... wait ..... she is not on the air anymore (damn I missed everything)
Well anyway a lot has sure happened to me and I feel I am getting closer to my goal! I have been staying positive most of the time but there are still days where I would rather lie in the bed! I think its because I dont have enough to do! Its crazy! I am one of those people that can run off of a few hours sleep when I am doing what I love but cant move a muscle to rouse myself out of bed when I am doing something that is just.......well....boring!
So as to not bore you I will try and make my dull life and dull opinions as exciting as possible.
So I have tried so hard to forget Lord Voldemort...... anyone that knows me and the "situatiom" think about it, it fits! And for some reason he keeps appearing in my dreams. The funny thing is where in the daytime I close my eyes and feel a pang of hurt at night when I dream I am just utterly pissed off! Like seriously I think I have problems. On more than a handful of occasions I have cursed him out, beat him up, and I am always super disgusted anytime I see his face! Like vomit worthy! (that has also started happening when I am awake) I think I just want to purge him from everything in my existence! I am lucky I dont have any gifts from him that reminds me! Well except for this spine adjuster thingy ( I know right) what kind of gift is that! I guess its the thought but its like geez what were you thinking! Im not 70 years old Im' no hump back! Shoot I am a young 25 very agile and active and have more energy in my pinky than he ever had....................well nevermind! Lets just say I am not an old maid! But I realize that I started to act like one.
Life is super short! Celebrating my birthday made me realize that! If God blesses me to see 100 then my life is already a quarter over! That is scary! My mom just celebrated 50 and she looks great but I wonder what she thinks about looking back! its a blink of an eye! My 25 years sneaked up on me and I imagine 50 feels the same way when you are a young fiery spirit! That's why I am not wasting time with anyone! Male, female young or old ...no one is above getting the boot!
For instance I met this girl who was really nice! She is the kindest sweetheart in the world honestly but whenever she starts to talk everything negative that she has ever experienced in her life comes pouring out! Come ON!!!!!! Nobody wants to hear that EVERY TIME they talk to you! I mean when I tell a horrible story I try to end it on a light note like finding the silver lining or the lesson learned which makes the situation more palatable but after I talk to her I just feel like slitting my wrist, needless to say I think she is a danger to my health.
SO I'm so sorry boo but you gotta go! Maybe every so often I will shoot you a text but I just cant handle all the drama I have enough of my own!
Speaking of drama some crazy azy things have happened! First of all the Bastard had the nerve to text me on my birthday and remind me to wish my good friends daughter happy birthday too! Ummmmmmm could you please just scram! I was enjoying that you were all the way out of my life! Its really pissing me off that all of our mutual friends are now calling me reminding me and even suggesting that there may be a future for he and I! You are kidding right.....im teetering between homicide and amnesia and you want to fuel that fire? Please dont catch someone else's butt whooping! But fyi for those of you that do read my blog and know our situation it would behoove you to just shut the.......well you know the rest!
SO I have been doing a bit of traveling working on music and making connections and it seems that some things might take off! I dont know when or where But I am chomping at the bit! I miss the stage sooooooooo Bad! Performing at this years Tupac event in Atl at the symphony hall was enough to wet my appetite but I am just eager to get back into the swing of things. However this writing thing is working out nicely. I hope you all have caught a few of my articles.
Its weird seeing your name your words sometimes even your pictures in print! Conducting interviews and reporting stories takes some getting used to, but its still a small stage and I like being on it!
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to be involved in a black publishers convention! My boss kind of volunteered my services to help out but it was cool! I learned a lot!
Like for instance......people do not read, if you are young and pretty you will attract an old geezer, and there is a shelf life for big hair, long nails and loud makeup!
It really bothered me being in a room full of so called writers that could not read a damn sign!
Them:"excuse me where is registration?"
Me "well sir if you swivel your lazy a$$ head to the left you will see a big red and yellow sign that has in BIG BOLD BLACK LETTERING "REGISTRATION" (Ok I didnt really say that but man I wanted to. had some of the dumbest questions that day.
Me: "yes can I get your lunch ticket?
Them: "which one is that?
Me: The one with todays date on it that says lunch"
Or another conversation
Me: can I get your meal ticket?
Th:em: Oh I dont have one
Me well have you registered?
Them: No
Me: well you have to register before I can allow you in
Them: you mean to tell me I cant eat without a meal ticket?
(WTF did i just say! I wanted to be like NO DUMMY!!!!)
Or (and this was the killer)
Short fat lady walks into the first meeting and immediately goes to the refreshment table
Me: Im sorry maam but we are not serving the refreshments just yet
Her:*smacks teeth* Well they usually let us get the refreshments early
Me: Well I apologize but these refreshments are for the meeting, are you here for the meeting?
Her: Ummm well my meeting starts at 2
Me: Well these are for the meeting that starts at 10.....
So she waddles away grumbling under her breath! I wanted to snatch her by the hair and kick her in her fat stomach, but she didn't have enough hair to execute the "grab and fling" properly.
But the thing that blew me the most was the fact that after the meeting was underway she came in and got some refreshments anyway and put them in her purse! I wanted to Napoleon Dynamite her a$$ and stomp her purse but I was across the room and couldnt reach her!
Now I am by no means a child, I am a young adult. However if you are over the age of 40 or lets be super real over the age of 35 I am gonna need you to keep on walking because I am NOT talking to you! There was this man with a cookie starter kit trying to be all up in my face and All I kept thinking was are those dentures or caps) either way they were big and hella bright! And it made his pedophile grin that much more creepy! But anyway he is all in my face talking about how he needs a woman like me and then some lady comes up to him and says....hey so and so how is your wife and kids? Immediately he gets flustered and carts her away to have the conversation in private. WTF hahahaha BUSTED!!!!!
Its really sickening to walk by a pack of old men and hear them grunt and sigh and mmmmmmm yuck! I really wish I could have just choked them all out!Its like how perverse can you be... half of you have wife and kids and children older than me! I am so not above busting the knee caps of an old man! Seriously sisters watch out for your girls! There are some old a$$ rattlesnakes trying to get in a very young garden! (Gross)
And lets talk about these old a$$ women that cant let it go! I hate when I see women over 50 even over 40 dressing like they are coming from the club! The young girls dont look great when they do it but at least their boobies werent around in the time of Nixon! Please cover those up! And I was seeing that everywhere! There was this one woman who had more hair than I have ever seen in life! She bought out the beauty supply with all that was on her head! I know it had to be heavy..... It was wild and big and covered half of her face which if it wasn't caked up with makeup I probably would be even more upset. But this chick seriously looked like a shrunken head.
Her nails were no picnic either! THey looked like coco from SWV! Which I have always wondered how do women wipe themselves with long nails like that?! UGH I dont know and they had the nerve to be blood red! Then her face was so caked up with makeup I thought it was peeling off the way it was catching in her many wrinkles! And she had the nerve to have on coral lipstick with blue eyeshadow! I was so done! Just let it go......
Times like these I am grateful that I have the mother I have! SHe is classy elegant and getting older with grace. She looks so young and I feel blessed to have her genes! But I know that in order to maintain that you have to stay away from those things that are bad for you.
This doesnt start when you are in your 50s or 40s it starts now! Otherwise we can all end up looking like______________
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I dont know if its lady luck...But today.....I'm Feeling Lucky
Hello people, forgive me for taking such a long hiatus! But just as a caterpiller needs time in its cacoon to turn into a beautiful butterfly, I my friends needed time to grow!
And Grow I did...... more and more I am catching myself before I remotely do anything that I will regret. You see I have always been a why not girl instead of why, but as these weeks have passed I have made a concscious effort to say why not but also to say why to things when I already know the outcome! For instance, a few nights ago I was asked to go out on a date! Now in the past I would have just said yes for the heck of it but since I know the individual and how he operates I knew one thing for sure, that since he has shown he likes me and has asked me out on this date I am giving him the idea that I am interested in him and the B.S he is spewing out of his mouth if I say yes! Yuck no bueno.... I would rather clean the food out of my braces then lead anyone on!
Oh yeah, New developments in my life since I am certain you are salivating for the info.......NO?....... lol I know but I will at least pretend like I am important! I am officially a brace face, and if you follow my twitter @Shayrah or facebook page you would know that, I also got My new car...Oh she is beautiful. Its a 2011 Ford Fusion and she is an electric blue! SO of course I named her mystique, I think its pretty fitting! Also its time to tell you what my job is!!! I will be a columnist for the Final Call newspaper! I am hoping to create a column that highlights the youth around the nation and all the unsung heroes as well as entertainers that are shedding positive light on their communities by doing positive work! So be looking out for me and once you read what we are looking for make sure you write in or email because I will be looking forward to the journey and I welcome any support. And Inshallah soon I will be in the studio recording some music I have been working on.....so fingers crossed and prayers in the air for I have a feeling that this is my start up year........Next year will be one for the books this year is just setting it in Motion!
Now to get to the nitty gritty. I know you are wondering where in the world has she been! I mean it has been a month and we havent heard anything, no blog, no nothing. LOL Well let me assure you that it wasnt my intention to take such a large break. I had some things to deal with. My mind had to be right so that I could touch all of you with a sane mind and not one corrupted with anger jealousy or saddness. I understand that you can not be happy 100% of the time but I am striving to keep those moments to myself as to not let the vultures in to help defeat me. For example just to give you a little taste of what I have been dealing with....
I recieved an email at the beginning of the month, honestly I thought someone was playing a Joke on me being that it was April 1st and all, but to my surprise it was an email from my ex! Hmmmmmm strange seeing as how for the past almost 3 months I have made a conscious effort to forget all about him and distract myself, and also we have had no contact, and it was he that didnt want the contact. Of course eventually I realized it was for the best. However I constantly wondered why! I used to tell other women that would be going through something similar, that there is no use in wondering why over a man that never thought to give you the reason in the beginning. SN: I really hate men like that, they keep you hanging on with the omission of how they really feel! Look I am a woman and I dont need a punk and that is just some really punk loser lame soft type stuff when a man cant just stand up and give you a reason or be bold enough to say LOOK IM GOOD AND THIS ISNT WORKING, or I AM JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! WHatever it may be just say it, why make a good woman bitter for another man if you really dont want her, dont destroy her for the next!
Any who in this message my Wildest dreams came true, that he was thinking of me still and that he was reaching out. Well maybe not my wildest but I will be honest, there was a moment when I really wanted him to call and say you are an amazing woman and I was so stupid and so on and so forth, and of course then I would make him suffer by letting him see just how glorious I am but make it clear that he would never have me!!!!!!!! But while I read this selfish little email of a simple man who clearly is out of his league I couldnt help but chuckle.
You see when you are a good woman you dont need to rub it in anyone's face to make them feel bad. The reality is it is torture to see an angel just out of your reach when you know at one time she was in your arms. I know I am not perfect, but in my heart in my mind and in the way I treat people I am not far from it. And when you have a woman that makes it easy for you to love the worse feeling in the world (after you take that love for granted) is to know that you will never feel that from her again.
I am no longer angry at him! I have grown astronomically because I seriously could not care more of what he is doing where he is at and who he is doing it with! I truly do not care, and that is a blessing. I had to get to a point where the things I was doing was not out of spite for him but was for the love of me,
In the beginning I would go on dates just to so to speak smack him in the face, but now it seems so silly to even think that I thought that way. So many wonderful things have happened for me and are still happening for me that I can no longer block my blessings wishing ill on the already less fortunate.
I am quite glad I am out of that and also elated that I am completely in charge of myself! I have enjoyed saying the word no and yes but only when I really want it. I have my voice! It feels wonderful! I am a new woman so to speak. I have lost weight not only the physical kind but I have lost weight on my soul! I no longer am harboring feelings of resentment (that weighs you down more than weight can sometimes) And I am feeling light as a feather, on point like an arrow and I'm on target like Robin Hood was taking aim! All in all I am feeling blessed!
The guys that were around to distract me from my saddness in the beginning have weaved themselves in and right out of my life to help mend a hole that was much smaller than I thought! But now that its mended I am truly ready to complete my tapestry whether it be myself or with someone who deserves me and I them. I am looking inward for my happiness and motivation and things are limitless! I know no bounds and I have no fear..... I am truly greatful for the experience and this thing called life. I know this isnt filled with as many anecdotes as ones in the past but I truly just wanted to say! I am happy.......... And if you are not.....its not that hard to get there, just remove those stressful people out of your life and the stressful situations wont seem as bad! Cant believe I am saying this but like Tyler Perry (I can do bad all by myself) and that is the truth, but you can also be happy all by yourself too!
And Grow I did...... more and more I am catching myself before I remotely do anything that I will regret. You see I have always been a why not girl instead of why, but as these weeks have passed I have made a concscious effort to say why not but also to say why to things when I already know the outcome! For instance, a few nights ago I was asked to go out on a date! Now in the past I would have just said yes for the heck of it but since I know the individual and how he operates I knew one thing for sure, that since he has shown he likes me and has asked me out on this date I am giving him the idea that I am interested in him and the B.S he is spewing out of his mouth if I say yes! Yuck no bueno.... I would rather clean the food out of my braces then lead anyone on!
Oh yeah, New developments in my life since I am certain you are salivating for the info.......NO?....... lol I know but I will at least pretend like I am important! I am officially a brace face, and if you follow my twitter @Shayrah or facebook page you would know that, I also got My new car...Oh she is beautiful. Its a 2011 Ford Fusion and she is an electric blue! SO of course I named her mystique, I think its pretty fitting! Also its time to tell you what my job is!!! I will be a columnist for the Final Call newspaper! I am hoping to create a column that highlights the youth around the nation and all the unsung heroes as well as entertainers that are shedding positive light on their communities by doing positive work! So be looking out for me and once you read what we are looking for make sure you write in or email because I will be looking forward to the journey and I welcome any support. And Inshallah soon I will be in the studio recording some music I have been working on.....so fingers crossed and prayers in the air for I have a feeling that this is my start up year........Next year will be one for the books this year is just setting it in Motion!
Now to get to the nitty gritty. I know you are wondering where in the world has she been! I mean it has been a month and we havent heard anything, no blog, no nothing. LOL Well let me assure you that it wasnt my intention to take such a large break. I had some things to deal with. My mind had to be right so that I could touch all of you with a sane mind and not one corrupted with anger jealousy or saddness. I understand that you can not be happy 100% of the time but I am striving to keep those moments to myself as to not let the vultures in to help defeat me. For example just to give you a little taste of what I have been dealing with....
I recieved an email at the beginning of the month, honestly I thought someone was playing a Joke on me being that it was April 1st and all, but to my surprise it was an email from my ex! Hmmmmmm strange seeing as how for the past almost 3 months I have made a conscious effort to forget all about him and distract myself, and also we have had no contact, and it was he that didnt want the contact. Of course eventually I realized it was for the best. However I constantly wondered why! I used to tell other women that would be going through something similar, that there is no use in wondering why over a man that never thought to give you the reason in the beginning. SN: I really hate men like that, they keep you hanging on with the omission of how they really feel! Look I am a woman and I dont need a punk and that is just some really punk loser lame soft type stuff when a man cant just stand up and give you a reason or be bold enough to say LOOK IM GOOD AND THIS ISNT WORKING, or I AM JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! WHatever it may be just say it, why make a good woman bitter for another man if you really dont want her, dont destroy her for the next!
Any who in this message my Wildest dreams came true, that he was thinking of me still and that he was reaching out. Well maybe not my wildest but I will be honest, there was a moment when I really wanted him to call and say you are an amazing woman and I was so stupid and so on and so forth, and of course then I would make him suffer by letting him see just how glorious I am but make it clear that he would never have me!!!!!!!! But while I read this selfish little email of a simple man who clearly is out of his league I couldnt help but chuckle.
You see when you are a good woman you dont need to rub it in anyone's face to make them feel bad. The reality is it is torture to see an angel just out of your reach when you know at one time she was in your arms. I know I am not perfect, but in my heart in my mind and in the way I treat people I am not far from it. And when you have a woman that makes it easy for you to love the worse feeling in the world (after you take that love for granted) is to know that you will never feel that from her again.
I am no longer angry at him! I have grown astronomically because I seriously could not care more of what he is doing where he is at and who he is doing it with! I truly do not care, and that is a blessing. I had to get to a point where the things I was doing was not out of spite for him but was for the love of me,
In the beginning I would go on dates just to so to speak smack him in the face, but now it seems so silly to even think that I thought that way. So many wonderful things have happened for me and are still happening for me that I can no longer block my blessings wishing ill on the already less fortunate.
I am quite glad I am out of that and also elated that I am completely in charge of myself! I have enjoyed saying the word no and yes but only when I really want it. I have my voice! It feels wonderful! I am a new woman so to speak. I have lost weight not only the physical kind but I have lost weight on my soul! I no longer am harboring feelings of resentment (that weighs you down more than weight can sometimes) And I am feeling light as a feather, on point like an arrow and I'm on target like Robin Hood was taking aim! All in all I am feeling blessed!
The guys that were around to distract me from my saddness in the beginning have weaved themselves in and right out of my life to help mend a hole that was much smaller than I thought! But now that its mended I am truly ready to complete my tapestry whether it be myself or with someone who deserves me and I them. I am looking inward for my happiness and motivation and things are limitless! I know no bounds and I have no fear..... I am truly greatful for the experience and this thing called life. I know this isnt filled with as many anecdotes as ones in the past but I truly just wanted to say! I am happy.......... And if you are not.....its not that hard to get there, just remove those stressful people out of your life and the stressful situations wont seem as bad! Cant believe I am saying this but like Tyler Perry (I can do bad all by myself) and that is the truth, but you can also be happy all by yourself too!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Day 33 A shrine to a decent woman!
Alright ladies and gentlemen, Gods and Goddesses Kings and Queens! This one is for you! I know too long you have sat back and witnessed the foolery around you causing you to put your nose up to air just to keep the funk from these creatures away from your nostrils! I understand, I feel the same way! Most of the time when I pass these bottom feeders I wonder how we can be a part of the same world! For those of you that might find my last statement offensive!......This means YOU ARE THE CULPRIT!!!!!!
To what do you ask are you the culprit of?
Well let me answer you!
BEING THE BOWELS OF SOCIETY!!!!
Now I feel like I am realizing why I feel like there are no decent men left, and that is because they are hiding behind these masks of derangement just to fit in! I feel like in a world that is full of little devils any slight showing of kindness or decency beams like a light so bright that all the hater attention is focused on you.
You know I can understand not wanting to be hated, but when you see what these people are offering why do you even care!?
Last night was one for the books! First of all let me say Happy birthday to my little sister! She turned the big 21 and I am so proud of her and the woman she has become..... an upstanding woman of virtue... and this can not be contested in anyway especially after what happened last night! Don't worry I will get to that later.
So we start off the night with dinner with the family! Of course we all were dressed really nice and just ready to have a good time for my sisters birthday! Dinner with the family was great..... great food, great laughs and seriously great company. Now here is where the story takes a turn! Not for the worse but definitely for the ratchett!
(For those of you that have no idea what this word means... ratchett by definition is something really disgusting, foul, trashy, scummy!)
So now that we are all caught up to speed on our vocab lesson of the day I will proceed....
So we start out the night by going to this roof top party downtown, of course it was closed in so we weren't freezing atop this high rise and it was actually a very nice crowd. A little too crowded but it was ok. Now I began to look around and what do I see a whole lot of tippy tumbles or as me and my friends like to call it "white girl wasted" (Don't be mad you know how y'all get LOL)
So when you cant walk around in the heels you wore out and you have to walk around the busy streets of downtown Chicago BAREFOOT, and you cant keep your drink in your cup and you think you've become best friends with everyone around you despite their objecting glares you are..............................RATCHETT!!!! Indeed spilling your drinks on people is not ok, neither is yelling/ singing a rap song to the only black people in the room because you think you look cool or are going to receive cool points from us for doing so.....
Anyway we moved on from that spot after the initial birthday countdown, and we of course had more places to go and the next spot we figured we would be able to dance listen to some good music and have more room to move around.... especially since our master of ceremonies swore up and down that this was a classy place and would be a very adult crowd........ :-/
I don't know who he was trying to fool but when we walked in first of all there was a line of half naked big women (Now I am not trying to be mean however women we all know how to dress for our body type, personally I don't like to see any woman showing off everything she has small or big but its just not a good look to see your rocked out thighs barely being contained by a mini skirt or big gut seeping out the bottom of your tube top) and furthermore men, I don't know what you are trying to prove but sagging pants and moreover sagging skinny leg pants is absolutely vomitrocious!
How is a woman supposed to take you seriously when you look like that? I mean you look like a straight heathen ..... and let me tell you something to my boys that sag their pants...... don't you know you cant really be our protector when you dress like that! How are you supposed to fight if you have to when your pants are gathering around your ankles! Come on guys get real! So anyway we walked up and told them the party name and walked right in, only to be a accosted by thick heat, a crowd of predators (men) and a bunch of vultures in the background eyeing us down (women) ready to pick off whatever guys we tossed to the side! All and all you can say that this party was............................... RATCHETT!!!!!!
Yes that's right it was awful. so we post up on the side and try to enjoy ourselves staying in our own little circle and trying to be out of the way and lo and behold these 2 big water buffalo decide they want to crash our circle! So they are bouncing around doing some sort of mate with me dance and all of a sudden I am hit dead smack in the face by the foulest smell known to anyone! I couldn't believe the fumes coming off of these two nor could I believe the nerve of them to think that it would be ok to come close to us.
Now ladies and gentleman what do we call these girls that clearly had no concept of hygiene, personal space, and for that matter clearly didn't realize the amount of space they consumed trying to squeeze into our little circle? Say it with me................RATCHETT (YEEEESSSSSS) it was positively awful so I immediately moved my position! I refuse to be looked at like I am the funky girl and their smell was beginning to consume the group like a fart in a steam room! It was just not ok.... I had to get out of there!
Now remember when I said my sister is an upstanding woman of virtue? Well this is when that comes into affect! SO we decide to walk around (to escape the gas chamber) and we look to our left and to our right and see these girls bent over pretty much having dry sex! Now my mother used to say working girls get paid (hahahahahahaha) and I find it so disgusting the way these people are dancing and they think they are having a good time... the guys are posted up behind her and the other girls that are just thirsty for attention and their friends are holding their guys up so they wont get knocked over by the booty. I'm sorry (and excuse the vernacular) but I am just not about to let someone get their happy ending on me!
My sister looked around and she was like this is not my scene I cant take it we have to leave! (SCORE......50pts to that dear sister of mine) After she said that we literally high tailed it out of there and went elsewhere to continue our night!
But this is what I want to say going back to my statement that I made before! When you are a decent human being why are you subjecting yourself to the foolishness that is around you! That makes you just as ratchett as the people around when you either
A. See it and don't say anything or do anything about it
or B. you don't leave or remove yourself from the situation.
I know its hard and you feel like if you don't go along you wont be liked..... but who really cares. people are so finicky and wishy washy that you can never tell if a person really likes you especially if you are standing on grounds that are not your own!
On facebook, I am sick of seeing these silly females posting half naked pictures of themselves for the world to see, but they do it because the people around them are perpetuating the filth! And whats worse is they probably have a cross around their neck and sing in the church choir. Come on people I am really praying for better days because what I saw last night was enough to make me know that the way this world is going its just not working......
Elevate your minds, elevate yourself! Nature is a strong thing but there is nothing cute by being consumed by your nature.
This is what separates us from the animals that are on all fours. We have the ability to think to reason and I don't know where we went wrong but some of your reasoning is pointing south when you think you are heading north!
To all my Queens and Kings, Gods and Goddesses, Ladies and Gentlemen, it is truly up to us to step up and show these animals the way.
One day I would like to have children and on a day even sooner I am going to be an Auntie! And I don't want to raise my own children or my niece or nephew in a world where their own bodies aren't even safe from the world around them, or in a world where their pure thoughts don't have a chance!
Bring back the decency! Just say no to these dogs and hoes so they can eventually see the error of their ways!..
I know this post is kind of preachy but i was truly disgusted last night! I think I am still gargling the vomit taste out my mouth.
To what do you ask are you the culprit of?
Well let me answer you!
BEING THE BOWELS OF SOCIETY!!!!
Now I feel like I am realizing why I feel like there are no decent men left, and that is because they are hiding behind these masks of derangement just to fit in! I feel like in a world that is full of little devils any slight showing of kindness or decency beams like a light so bright that all the hater attention is focused on you.
You know I can understand not wanting to be hated, but when you see what these people are offering why do you even care!?
Last night was one for the books! First of all let me say Happy birthday to my little sister! She turned the big 21 and I am so proud of her and the woman she has become..... an upstanding woman of virtue... and this can not be contested in anyway especially after what happened last night! Don't worry I will get to that later.
So we start off the night with dinner with the family! Of course we all were dressed really nice and just ready to have a good time for my sisters birthday! Dinner with the family was great..... great food, great laughs and seriously great company. Now here is where the story takes a turn! Not for the worse but definitely for the ratchett!
(For those of you that have no idea what this word means... ratchett by definition is something really disgusting, foul, trashy, scummy!)
So now that we are all caught up to speed on our vocab lesson of the day I will proceed....
So we start out the night by going to this roof top party downtown, of course it was closed in so we weren't freezing atop this high rise and it was actually a very nice crowd. A little too crowded but it was ok. Now I began to look around and what do I see a whole lot of tippy tumbles or as me and my friends like to call it "white girl wasted" (Don't be mad you know how y'all get LOL)
So when you cant walk around in the heels you wore out and you have to walk around the busy streets of downtown Chicago BAREFOOT, and you cant keep your drink in your cup and you think you've become best friends with everyone around you despite their objecting glares you are..............................RATCHETT!!!! Indeed spilling your drinks on people is not ok, neither is yelling/ singing a rap song to the only black people in the room because you think you look cool or are going to receive cool points from us for doing so.....
Anyway we moved on from that spot after the initial birthday countdown, and we of course had more places to go and the next spot we figured we would be able to dance listen to some good music and have more room to move around.... especially since our master of ceremonies swore up and down that this was a classy place and would be a very adult crowd........ :-/
I don't know who he was trying to fool but when we walked in first of all there was a line of half naked big women (Now I am not trying to be mean however women we all know how to dress for our body type, personally I don't like to see any woman showing off everything she has small or big but its just not a good look to see your rocked out thighs barely being contained by a mini skirt or big gut seeping out the bottom of your tube top) and furthermore men, I don't know what you are trying to prove but sagging pants and moreover sagging skinny leg pants is absolutely vomitrocious!
How is a woman supposed to take you seriously when you look like that? I mean you look like a straight heathen ..... and let me tell you something to my boys that sag their pants...... don't you know you cant really be our protector when you dress like that! How are you supposed to fight if you have to when your pants are gathering around your ankles! Come on guys get real! So anyway we walked up and told them the party name and walked right in, only to be a accosted by thick heat, a crowd of predators (men) and a bunch of vultures in the background eyeing us down (women) ready to pick off whatever guys we tossed to the side! All and all you can say that this party was............................... RATCHETT!!!!!!
Yes that's right it was awful. so we post up on the side and try to enjoy ourselves staying in our own little circle and trying to be out of the way and lo and behold these 2 big water buffalo decide they want to crash our circle! So they are bouncing around doing some sort of mate with me dance and all of a sudden I am hit dead smack in the face by the foulest smell known to anyone! I couldn't believe the fumes coming off of these two nor could I believe the nerve of them to think that it would be ok to come close to us.
Now ladies and gentleman what do we call these girls that clearly had no concept of hygiene, personal space, and for that matter clearly didn't realize the amount of space they consumed trying to squeeze into our little circle? Say it with me................RATCHETT (YEEEESSSSSS) it was positively awful so I immediately moved my position! I refuse to be looked at like I am the funky girl and their smell was beginning to consume the group like a fart in a steam room! It was just not ok.... I had to get out of there!
Now remember when I said my sister is an upstanding woman of virtue? Well this is when that comes into affect! SO we decide to walk around (to escape the gas chamber) and we look to our left and to our right and see these girls bent over pretty much having dry sex! Now my mother used to say working girls get paid (hahahahahahaha) and I find it so disgusting the way these people are dancing and they think they are having a good time... the guys are posted up behind her and the other girls that are just thirsty for attention and their friends are holding their guys up so they wont get knocked over by the booty. I'm sorry (and excuse the vernacular) but I am just not about to let someone get their happy ending on me!
My sister looked around and she was like this is not my scene I cant take it we have to leave! (SCORE......50pts to that dear sister of mine) After she said that we literally high tailed it out of there and went elsewhere to continue our night!
But this is what I want to say going back to my statement that I made before! When you are a decent human being why are you subjecting yourself to the foolishness that is around you! That makes you just as ratchett as the people around when you either
A. See it and don't say anything or do anything about it
or B. you don't leave or remove yourself from the situation.
I know its hard and you feel like if you don't go along you wont be liked..... but who really cares. people are so finicky and wishy washy that you can never tell if a person really likes you especially if you are standing on grounds that are not your own!
On facebook, I am sick of seeing these silly females posting half naked pictures of themselves for the world to see, but they do it because the people around them are perpetuating the filth! And whats worse is they probably have a cross around their neck and sing in the church choir. Come on people I am really praying for better days because what I saw last night was enough to make me know that the way this world is going its just not working......
Elevate your minds, elevate yourself! Nature is a strong thing but there is nothing cute by being consumed by your nature.
This is what separates us from the animals that are on all fours. We have the ability to think to reason and I don't know where we went wrong but some of your reasoning is pointing south when you think you are heading north!
To all my Queens and Kings, Gods and Goddesses, Ladies and Gentlemen, it is truly up to us to step up and show these animals the way.
One day I would like to have children and on a day even sooner I am going to be an Auntie! And I don't want to raise my own children or my niece or nephew in a world where their own bodies aren't even safe from the world around them, or in a world where their pure thoughts don't have a chance!
Bring back the decency! Just say no to these dogs and hoes so they can eventually see the error of their ways!..
I know this post is kind of preachy but i was truly disgusted last night! I think I am still gargling the vomit taste out my mouth.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Day 31 A whole new perspective!
I cant believe it has already been a month since I have headed out on this journey! I'm not gonna lie, there are some things that I said I was going to do that I haven't (like working out) LOL I have done a little here and there but I am not as consistent as I would like to be! And in any situation consistency is key! However in my defense I have been moving nonstop it seems! Traveling like Carmen Sandiego! I just got back from Charlottesville Virginia, and right before that was saviors day and right before that was all stars in LA so you get the picture!
Don't worry I will do better.... that's not for anyone reading this, that is for me because I really do need to do better.
Anyway I have had the opportunity to really become even closer with my family over this past month and I am loving it! Its really funny now that I look at it that in my past relationship I devoted so much time to his family I neglected my own! And now that we are no longer together do you think his family cares to pees and a tripod about me ( I wonder how many people will get this lyric LOL) well the answer to that is they sure don't give a ding dang dong!
I will say however that I truly made a lasting friendship with 1 and for that I am really grateful! Its not everyday you meet someone that will really truly be your friend but she is really a wonderful woman, mother, and friend! I am so grateful to have met her.....
So the past week was awesome and I am so happy it has been all with family! My sis turns the big 21 this weekend so we will most definitely be having a good time...... haven't been out on a date date since LA but that's cool I am not really looking, and I landed a job that is by far beyond my wildest dreams! I wont go into detail about it all however I will say that my writing skills will be working for me because I will be writing for a newspaper! The time will come when I will divulge what I am writing as well as which newspaper I will be writing for!
Apparently I have made some men mad with my quest to find my own inner peace! I am not giving them a "fair chance" and I am limiting myself to the "experience"! Well to that I say oh damn well! You know, I have been in relationships and talked to men, and it truly baffles me that when I decide I am sick of it they get annoyed with me for backing down when they have not stepped to the plate! I am not talking about anyone in particular... but lets think about this! Do you really think that I would be doing this if by now I had met a real man who not only treated me like a woman but like a lady and was down for me like I am always down for them?
NO I WOULD BE MARRIED SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!
But instead I run into these dudes that are all promises and unfortunately all inaction as well!
"Oh baby you are beautiful" thanks I know
"Man I'm gonna make you wifey" Uh huh whateva Nig** where is the ring?
"I only want to be with you" Ummmm so then who the hell are you texting at 11:30 at night!!!?
UGH I hate it! Men can say some of the sweetest things and get your hopes up and when you fall for the BS the chase is over and unfortunately so is the relationship or whatever you thought it was that it clearly was not!
So now that I am not looking not hoping for all of a sudden the conquests begin again!
MEN why is the chase all that is important to you! and why must you be the one victorious? Don't you know you hurt a lot of women this way... who for the most part are good and decent and do just want to be loved and treated with dignity and respect! Why are you letting her sacrifice all her good on you when you know you are just a slime ball who only wants the panties! Stop it already!
Also, why are men so enamored with the idea of getting you to want them sexually! (this really shows the state of the world we are in) I think I have heard more of the oh I wanna (excuse the graphic nature of this readers I am just being honest) ,,,, I wanna taste you , UGH, girl I'm a beast.... I can make you feel good! (And you know this is the pg13 version of all that is really said) But SERIOUSLY I AM NOT A BI*TH IN HEAT!!!! SO stop treating me like that! Whatever happened to the conversations that were like whats your favorite color, who is you favorite author, what do you like to cook, what do you like cooked for you? (HELLO)
I want someone to know that I don't care about whats under there, that is human nature,... the nature of the beast anyway! We all know that's how the hell we got here and we don't need reminding of that act every 5 seconds! SO to all the men I have given the icy stare or never called back or never accepted your calls again...... You now know why! And honestly you are lucky I didn't tell my daddy on you LOL!
I am a decent strong woman, I have my faults but I don't throw stones in my glass house. I may have had some flubs but I know my heart is in the right place! So excuse me for taking a break from the medieval torture these men think they are providing hiding it behind the mask of love!
I am waiting and I will take huge comfort in the unconditional love of my family and real friends that keep me standing when I want to buckle and cry!
This time .... Its just not going to happen!
Don't worry I will do better.... that's not for anyone reading this, that is for me because I really do need to do better.
Anyway I have had the opportunity to really become even closer with my family over this past month and I am loving it! Its really funny now that I look at it that in my past relationship I devoted so much time to his family I neglected my own! And now that we are no longer together do you think his family cares to pees and a tripod about me ( I wonder how many people will get this lyric LOL) well the answer to that is they sure don't give a ding dang dong!
I will say however that I truly made a lasting friendship with 1 and for that I am really grateful! Its not everyday you meet someone that will really truly be your friend but she is really a wonderful woman, mother, and friend! I am so grateful to have met her.....
So the past week was awesome and I am so happy it has been all with family! My sis turns the big 21 this weekend so we will most definitely be having a good time...... haven't been out on a date date since LA but that's cool I am not really looking, and I landed a job that is by far beyond my wildest dreams! I wont go into detail about it all however I will say that my writing skills will be working for me because I will be writing for a newspaper! The time will come when I will divulge what I am writing as well as which newspaper I will be writing for!
Apparently I have made some men mad with my quest to find my own inner peace! I am not giving them a "fair chance" and I am limiting myself to the "experience"! Well to that I say oh damn well! You know, I have been in relationships and talked to men, and it truly baffles me that when I decide I am sick of it they get annoyed with me for backing down when they have not stepped to the plate! I am not talking about anyone in particular... but lets think about this! Do you really think that I would be doing this if by now I had met a real man who not only treated me like a woman but like a lady and was down for me like I am always down for them?
NO I WOULD BE MARRIED SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!
But instead I run into these dudes that are all promises and unfortunately all inaction as well!
"Oh baby you are beautiful" thanks I know
"Man I'm gonna make you wifey" Uh huh whateva Nig** where is the ring?
"I only want to be with you" Ummmm so then who the hell are you texting at 11:30 at night!!!?
UGH I hate it! Men can say some of the sweetest things and get your hopes up and when you fall for the BS the chase is over and unfortunately so is the relationship or whatever you thought it was that it clearly was not!
So now that I am not looking not hoping for all of a sudden the conquests begin again!
MEN why is the chase all that is important to you! and why must you be the one victorious? Don't you know you hurt a lot of women this way... who for the most part are good and decent and do just want to be loved and treated with dignity and respect! Why are you letting her sacrifice all her good on you when you know you are just a slime ball who only wants the panties! Stop it already!
Also, why are men so enamored with the idea of getting you to want them sexually! (this really shows the state of the world we are in) I think I have heard more of the oh I wanna (excuse the graphic nature of this readers I am just being honest) ,,,, I wanna taste you , UGH, girl I'm a beast.... I can make you feel good! (And you know this is the pg13 version of all that is really said) But SERIOUSLY I AM NOT A BI*TH IN HEAT!!!! SO stop treating me like that! Whatever happened to the conversations that were like whats your favorite color, who is you favorite author, what do you like to cook, what do you like cooked for you? (HELLO)
I want someone to know that I don't care about whats under there, that is human nature,... the nature of the beast anyway! We all know that's how the hell we got here and we don't need reminding of that act every 5 seconds! SO to all the men I have given the icy stare or never called back or never accepted your calls again...... You now know why! And honestly you are lucky I didn't tell my daddy on you LOL!
I am a decent strong woman, I have my faults but I don't throw stones in my glass house. I may have had some flubs but I know my heart is in the right place! So excuse me for taking a break from the medieval torture these men think they are providing hiding it behind the mask of love!
I am waiting and I will take huge comfort in the unconditional love of my family and real friends that keep me standing when I want to buckle and cry!
This time .... Its just not going to happen!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Day... Well its still less than 20 but more than 10 SAVIORS DAY!
Amazing are the words that come to mind when thinking about this weekend! I truly needed that wisdom! I wasn't sure when I sat down to write this blog exactly what I would touch on, however it came to me like a lightning bolt due to a conversation I had with a certain brother last night. The conversation dealt with love and I feel it is very appropriate for this blog considering the content on which it was created. Now before brother Andre and I had this discussion a reoccurring theme of relationships was very prevalent through the weekend.
OK now before I say what I have to say please note the middle child syndrome has run its course and I am just seeing things as they really are.
As I was passing by all the brothers and sisters in the mosque I began to realize how completely detached I am from everyone and everything. I couldn't help but notice the difference in the reception of my other family members vs the reception of me! Now granted I have been out of the picture for awhile due to school, but now that I am back I see there is a definite difference between them and me! I barely knew anyone, no one's name was even in my memory bank, honestly I had no recollection of meeting a lot of these people. However the ones that I did and do remember it seemed they completely forgot all about me or if they didn't, could really care less to see what type of woman I am now.
I suppose I bring these things on myself because I am kind of a touch and go person, pretty hot and cold, but that is just the way I am. I don't mean any disrespect or to denote any feelings of ethnocentrism. I do not feel I am better than anyone, I don't think I am owed the world, and a lot of times I deliberately allow people to overlook me because I don't want to feel like an attention hog like everyone thinks that I am. However when I speak I am passionate, I don't back down, I am fiercely loyal and protective of the ones that I love and perhaps that is just too much to take in, suffice it to say that even though I am an actress that does not transcend into my every day life, I still get my feelings hurt I still want love I still need attention but just because this is a basic human need when I voice it I don't want to be made to feel like a criminal for wanting these things!
Now this brings me to the conversation I had with brother Andre, although it was random that we were having this conversation because he was not there to see me at all ( honestly the entire weekend I kind of felt like the 3rd wheel but no matter) It was just really interesting to hear a mans view on love. See to him he believed that women are not capable of true love ( I know right...WTF men just really have no idea) however I feel like some men are not capable of the act and just the illusion that they are in love, but regardless the question was posed How do you know when you are really in love?
I thought about this for awhile and I began to think on the lecture from that afternoon/evening (Grandpa, well the Minister really cooked... seriously I cant believe that man is almost 78 and he was up there for 4 1/2 hours, If you didn't hear it I advise you to get the DVD seriously!) and one of the ideas of the lecture was totally transferable to the conversation we were having. See Grandpa said that we all have that memory bank in our heads that records every little thing we do....if someone asked you to remember the first dirty nasty thing you did odds are you Will remember it and in great detail, but if they asked you the first good thing you did it might be a little hazy (I'm paraphrasing of course) ...but why is that? This is so because it is in our nature to do right and good, being a gracious good creature is our nature so much in fact that its effortless to do good. So when I thought about the question ...How do you know you are really in love? I thought, it's when it feels effortless and you can just be yourself.
All the people that don't know me or no longer act like they know me...its OK. I am fine with it! Because I no longer have to put forth the effort in trying to appease these people when I would much rather be working on something more important, The person that is meant for me will accept me as I am. They wont mind that I am kind of shy but really rambunctious, or really silly like a child but as serious as a professor, or sensitive as a baby but as aggressive as a bull, all these attributes I am proud of. Now they may come off as bipolar but I like to think I am pretty awesome as I am.
However looking at the way this weekend turned out as far as men are concerned.. I have to remember this is the energy that I am putting forth in the world! When I decided to write this blog I swore that I would not be serious about any man in particular and perhaps all the men in the mosque are very focused on being serious! Case and point all the sisters ad brothers from LA that may have just hit adulthood and have already walked down the aisle... I'm happy for them that they know themselves enough to begin to learn and love someone else but clearly I need more time. And I think that is what God gave me this weekend.
He gave me the opportunity to be the observer instead of the initiator or collaborator, perhaps so that I could see myself and where I normally mess up as a third party so I wouldn't actually be making those mistakes!
See I had male friends or "brothers" that wanted to come by and see me, but in retrospect I am glad they didn't because one of them is involved with another woman and no matter how cool of friends we are the nature of a man and woman still manifests itself when dealing with "natural men" and "natural women" and I just cant go that route.
Moreover, the group of guys that I have known for awhile would have been awkward because all the time that I have known them I have never been the primary contact because at a certain point each and every one of them tried to "talk to" one of my family members.
Its funny to think that I used to believe that I would never have any options because my family had seen them or attracted them all first.. but now that I look at where my life is beginning to take me I see my gaze can stretch this entire world over and I will have the opportunity to meet people that may have seemed far fetched to my youthful mind but is so attainable now.
All the dominoes are beginning to be placed in exactly the right sequence to make this life a beautiful one, and the funny part is I know its heading in the right direction because it seems so effortless
OK now before I say what I have to say please note the middle child syndrome has run its course and I am just seeing things as they really are.
As I was passing by all the brothers and sisters in the mosque I began to realize how completely detached I am from everyone and everything. I couldn't help but notice the difference in the reception of my other family members vs the reception of me! Now granted I have been out of the picture for awhile due to school, but now that I am back I see there is a definite difference between them and me! I barely knew anyone, no one's name was even in my memory bank, honestly I had no recollection of meeting a lot of these people. However the ones that I did and do remember it seemed they completely forgot all about me or if they didn't, could really care less to see what type of woman I am now.
I suppose I bring these things on myself because I am kind of a touch and go person, pretty hot and cold, but that is just the way I am. I don't mean any disrespect or to denote any feelings of ethnocentrism. I do not feel I am better than anyone, I don't think I am owed the world, and a lot of times I deliberately allow people to overlook me because I don't want to feel like an attention hog like everyone thinks that I am. However when I speak I am passionate, I don't back down, I am fiercely loyal and protective of the ones that I love and perhaps that is just too much to take in, suffice it to say that even though I am an actress that does not transcend into my every day life, I still get my feelings hurt I still want love I still need attention but just because this is a basic human need when I voice it I don't want to be made to feel like a criminal for wanting these things!
Now this brings me to the conversation I had with brother Andre, although it was random that we were having this conversation because he was not there to see me at all ( honestly the entire weekend I kind of felt like the 3rd wheel but no matter) It was just really interesting to hear a mans view on love. See to him he believed that women are not capable of true love ( I know right...WTF men just really have no idea) however I feel like some men are not capable of the act and just the illusion that they are in love, but regardless the question was posed How do you know when you are really in love?
I thought about this for awhile and I began to think on the lecture from that afternoon/evening (Grandpa, well the Minister really cooked... seriously I cant believe that man is almost 78 and he was up there for 4 1/2 hours, If you didn't hear it I advise you to get the DVD seriously!) and one of the ideas of the lecture was totally transferable to the conversation we were having. See Grandpa said that we all have that memory bank in our heads that records every little thing we do....if someone asked you to remember the first dirty nasty thing you did odds are you Will remember it and in great detail, but if they asked you the first good thing you did it might be a little hazy (I'm paraphrasing of course) ...but why is that? This is so because it is in our nature to do right and good, being a gracious good creature is our nature so much in fact that its effortless to do good. So when I thought about the question ...How do you know you are really in love? I thought, it's when it feels effortless and you can just be yourself.
All the people that don't know me or no longer act like they know me...its OK. I am fine with it! Because I no longer have to put forth the effort in trying to appease these people when I would much rather be working on something more important, The person that is meant for me will accept me as I am. They wont mind that I am kind of shy but really rambunctious, or really silly like a child but as serious as a professor, or sensitive as a baby but as aggressive as a bull, all these attributes I am proud of. Now they may come off as bipolar but I like to think I am pretty awesome as I am.
However looking at the way this weekend turned out as far as men are concerned.. I have to remember this is the energy that I am putting forth in the world! When I decided to write this blog I swore that I would not be serious about any man in particular and perhaps all the men in the mosque are very focused on being serious! Case and point all the sisters ad brothers from LA that may have just hit adulthood and have already walked down the aisle... I'm happy for them that they know themselves enough to begin to learn and love someone else but clearly I need more time. And I think that is what God gave me this weekend.
He gave me the opportunity to be the observer instead of the initiator or collaborator, perhaps so that I could see myself and where I normally mess up as a third party so I wouldn't actually be making those mistakes!
See I had male friends or "brothers" that wanted to come by and see me, but in retrospect I am glad they didn't because one of them is involved with another woman and no matter how cool of friends we are the nature of a man and woman still manifests itself when dealing with "natural men" and "natural women" and I just cant go that route.
Moreover, the group of guys that I have known for awhile would have been awkward because all the time that I have known them I have never been the primary contact because at a certain point each and every one of them tried to "talk to" one of my family members.
Its funny to think that I used to believe that I would never have any options because my family had seen them or attracted them all first.. but now that I look at where my life is beginning to take me I see my gaze can stretch this entire world over and I will have the opportunity to meet people that may have seemed far fetched to my youthful mind but is so attainable now.
All the dominoes are beginning to be placed in exactly the right sequence to make this life a beautiful one, and the funny part is I know its heading in the right direction because it seems so effortless
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Day 7 8 9........ Geesh has it been a whole week!
Well this one folks is going to be interesting! Not because of the star studded amazing all star weekend I had but also because of the hilarity I have endured during this week!
Ok so First things first I know I did not do a V-Day blog, which is quite possibly an epic fail! However there was so much going on around me I felt like wallowing in My pity of not having a valentine (which I didn't) would be just so not Shaheerah! So Valentine's day was made wonderfully special by some people that I would have least expected to even be around me V-day! My high school friends...... For reals people do not lose touch with those that were there for you in the past because when I needed someone they shimmied on over and I love them for it! Playing pool, eating pizza, and laughing our a**8s off really made for a wonderful night! I still cant believe we totally cock blocked on our friend JD and pretty much played his girl that was blowing him up!
(Women come on now if he is not picking up the phone answering text messages etc, why the hell are you wasting your time! He is DAMN SURE not thinking about you) Just keep it pushing we all know the only reason she was blowing him up was so that she wouldn't feel lonely on V-DAY..... I am happy I didn't stoop that low! But SHOUT OUT to Jaitee, Pooh, JD, and JAZ, you will forever be my people and once I am famous (chuckle) you know you got Jobs coming from me!
SO anyway the whole next day was spent recovering!!!!!!!!!
BOY DID I NEED IT. I don't think I have ever been that "tired" in my life LOL and when I finally got up the strength at like 6pm I went ahead and packed up for LA (which by the way is a lot more draining then you think) Geez! I didn't know it was going to be like that but with the help of my Mom (that's right my mom is a cool one, and I pray daily I look that good when I am her age) it went by smoothly and I was finally finished packing by 2 am! DID I MENTION MY FLIGHT WAS AT 6:30am! Yeah so I had to hop in the shower and wash dry and flat iron my hair before I could leave ( I was not going to be attending the all stars looking like MACY GRAY about the head! So by the time I was done it was literally time to leave for the Airport!
Luckily I don't get bags under my eyes but I get circles.... Def put on those shades quickly because if you have seen my stage makeup album on facebook I was looking like tootsie the raccoon for real!
So I wait in this long dumb line to finally get my bag checked and head to the security checkpoint
SERIOUSLY THERE HAS GOT TO BE ANOTHER WAY OF SCREENING PEOPLE! I AM SO TIRED OF GETTING DAMN DEAR NAKED JUST TO WALK THROUGH THIS BOX AND PUT IT ALL BACK ON! And don't even get me started on the under wire tripping the alarm! ( yes that's right men WOMEN'S BRA'S HAVE METAL IN THEM ..... so sorry mister security guy I am not about to unsnap my bra just so you can get a quick feel of my weapons of mass destruction! (WAND ME)
I finally get to the gate and I am delirious with how tired I am that I cant believe I have not passed out at this point!
The plane comes I get on and endure this long flight with only winks of sleep and bad breath and perfume aromas swirling around me. Seriously people I know you can smell yourself when you walk out the house and if you cant smell your breath I KNOW you can taste it! So before talking your neighbors ears off, or the flight attendant coming down the aisle, do us all a favor (Gum Check)
FINALLY THE FLIGHT LANDS!!!!!
I get down to the conveyor belt for my bags and lo and behold mine was the first one out ( sign of a good trip to come)
SO even though its raining off and on the sun still peeks at me from behind the clouds and its much warmer than Chicago.
Everything is just really fly in LA, from the weather to the scenery to MY SISTER and to the epicness that was to come! I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO
SO I'm there, and I called all the people that I put on a back burner for a little while..... There is no reason for them to be there anymore and it was quite wonderful to reconnect!
Its also a big boost to the ole self esteem when some one is beside themselves to come see you! Especially someone who has such an Intense schedule that (well I will call him my Wednesday boo) had. I love a man that works hard and grinds but knows when a prize is in front of them and puts all else aside to treat me like a queen! I will not go into that date, but just know it was an amazing one! Didn't get back into the house until about midnight and even though I didn't see him for the rest of my trip he made sure we talked to each other or texted everyday! That is one way to make a woman feel special!
MEN FOR REAL!!!! It doesn't take that much to text or call to let us know we are on your mind... if you want to be the reason I smile this will damn sure guarantee it!
SO I am all smiles and drifting into a wonderful sleep after day one of LA!
The next day was a chill one, That night I went to the Jamie Foxx Concert featuring, Too Short, Busta Rhymes, Snoop Dogg, and Drake. I meandered around the VIP but I am not one for concerts unless its some type of R&B singer, however I really enjoyed it, especially busta rhymes that man is sick with the mike! But my outfit was right, getting hella stares and I was with the best person I could have been with......
Onto day 3 of all star,.... The Kenny Smith Party!
It was crazy as HELL in there... super thick with some wonderful celebs (seriously a great networking night)
So after Damn near cursing some thirsty females out in the guest list line, me and Jamillah get in and as soon as we walk in it was just like seriously all eyes on us! It was funny because we coordinated in the same color! BLACK on DECK.... LMAO (Kya finish that one for me) So we walk around and see the aerial dancers and bar that was monsooned! and we promptly decide to walk upstairs to the VIP. Now I really don't know who half these people are up there but it was just a lot cooler and I was def not trying to sweat out the silky smooth!
So we get upstairs and we are just relaxing watching the scene and lo and behold who walks up to me...... I know what you are thinking which celeb is about to make my girl Shaheerah completely forget about her vow and sweep her off her feet!? Well to that I tell you none! It was the smallest gremlin looking dude! Why does this happen to me, in a sea of beautiful creatures the rock decides to talk! UGH
Anyway Im texting on my phone and he comes up all cool like trying to force me his number, "excuse me, how are you going to start with your number when you didn't even ask my name or offer me yours"? I asked ( I really hate that S(&^ what makes men think that it is ok to do that! Somebody please help me understand this moronic behavior)
So anyway he tells me his name and goes on about how beautiful I am and that if I want to go to the Dunk contest I should hit him up because he works for the Knicks... Now I know plenty of women that would be all salivating in ish but ummmm no bueno that is not me. So i politely ask "I'm sorry what was your name?" He tells me and when I tell him my full name, the whole script flipped..."oh man, wow, it is truly an honor I meant no disrespect" Now see why did we even have to go there! Why did I have to drop a name for you to think that I was a girl that deserved respect!? I mean I'm not in here half naked, my hair is not 50 different colors and I don't have piercings all over my face so where the hell did this guy get that IDEA! Pissed me off...
So of course he was was like, well please take my number and seriously if you need anything give me a call! Well I was pissed at this point so when I took his and he asked for my number I said as sweet as I could muster, I am sorry I have to be very careful who I give my number to! and left it at that! Of course he slinked away as he should of before he opened his mouth, but nonetheless the party must go on! AND IT DID!
Still in VIP I'm dancing a little and I see this little guy standing to the left of me def peeping out me and my sister! I recognized this one.. so when we caught eyes I said...hi whats your name
he said Joe
So I said Joe Torry right?
Yeah he replied... to which I said HEY you know my father (name drop LOL) and when I told him who he nearly lost it! Looked at me again and was like WOW you are all grown up! SO me and Jamillah are hanging out with him he starts talking to us and bringing all these people over to meet us! Like I said def a good night for networking! It was really cool he was like our Uncle for the night and he really looked out. He brought us back downstairs because it was getting really hot in the VIP section and me and Jamillah wanted to dance. And as I am standing near the bar who do I see...... sweetness from roll bounce Donovan something I don't know his name but I know you all would know his cute face! He was def giving me the eyes! But I do not care how rich or cute you are I don't like to approach people SERIOUSLY MEN NEED TO START TAKING THE CHANCE TO TALK TO A WOMAN!!!!! AND NOT THESE DISRESPECTFUL ASK DUDES WHO CALL YOU A B* ONCE YOU LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED!
So I walked away and danced with the sis and when my feet started hurting it was time to roll!
SO day number 4 which was Saturday if you aren't keeping up was pretty EPIC! I know I have met a lot of people in my life but this party was ridiculous! It was the Labron James and Jay-Z party so of course they were both there Jay..with Beyonce on his arm, Diddy, Drake, Rihanna, Ciara, Vinn Diesal, a bunch of ball players who I have no Idea what there names are, John legend, Jamie Foxx, and even ....well she doesnt really matter but the ball headed chick who used to be with Kanye! I cant really say too much about this party because there is such a thing as bad publicity and also being discreet but all I will say is me and especially Jamillah ( that tall drink of pure water) was killin them! Jamie didnt know how to act trying to get Jamillah to look at him! But it was a fun night! Could have been made better by Wednesday's date or my DJ mister who decided to hang out with the Jacka instead of me... I'm teasing I know you wanted to come out but that's why plans are in the making now!
Well anyway the next day I went to the game and Uncle Wes really hooked me up with some great seats! I loved it all and had my buddy Taron with me! He was laughing at all the comments I was getting (apparently its really fun to walk two feet behind me to hear what everyone says as I pass) however I usually block all that mess out! But we got it in at the game and truly enjoyed the night on Hollywood Blvd. I was soooooooo exhausted I was ready to get back home! The rest of the trip there is not much to report except that .... well a certain someone is still texting me! Gotta Love LA
AND I REALLY DID!!!!!
Ok so First things first I know I did not do a V-Day blog, which is quite possibly an epic fail! However there was so much going on around me I felt like wallowing in My pity of not having a valentine (which I didn't) would be just so not Shaheerah! So Valentine's day was made wonderfully special by some people that I would have least expected to even be around me V-day! My high school friends...... For reals people do not lose touch with those that were there for you in the past because when I needed someone they shimmied on over and I love them for it! Playing pool, eating pizza, and laughing our a**8s off really made for a wonderful night! I still cant believe we totally cock blocked on our friend JD and pretty much played his girl that was blowing him up!
(Women come on now if he is not picking up the phone answering text messages etc, why the hell are you wasting your time! He is DAMN SURE not thinking about you) Just keep it pushing we all know the only reason she was blowing him up was so that she wouldn't feel lonely on V-DAY..... I am happy I didn't stoop that low! But SHOUT OUT to Jaitee, Pooh, JD, and JAZ, you will forever be my people and once I am famous (chuckle) you know you got Jobs coming from me!
SO anyway the whole next day was spent recovering!!!!!!!!!
BOY DID I NEED IT. I don't think I have ever been that "tired" in my life LOL and when I finally got up the strength at like 6pm I went ahead and packed up for LA (which by the way is a lot more draining then you think) Geez! I didn't know it was going to be like that but with the help of my Mom (that's right my mom is a cool one, and I pray daily I look that good when I am her age) it went by smoothly and I was finally finished packing by 2 am! DID I MENTION MY FLIGHT WAS AT 6:30am! Yeah so I had to hop in the shower and wash dry and flat iron my hair before I could leave ( I was not going to be attending the all stars looking like MACY GRAY about the head! So by the time I was done it was literally time to leave for the Airport!
Luckily I don't get bags under my eyes but I get circles.... Def put on those shades quickly because if you have seen my stage makeup album on facebook I was looking like tootsie the raccoon for real!
So I wait in this long dumb line to finally get my bag checked and head to the security checkpoint
SERIOUSLY THERE HAS GOT TO BE ANOTHER WAY OF SCREENING PEOPLE! I AM SO TIRED OF GETTING DAMN DEAR NAKED JUST TO WALK THROUGH THIS BOX AND PUT IT ALL BACK ON! And don't even get me started on the under wire tripping the alarm! ( yes that's right men WOMEN'S BRA'S HAVE METAL IN THEM ..... so sorry mister security guy I am not about to unsnap my bra just so you can get a quick feel of my weapons of mass destruction! (WAND ME)
I finally get to the gate and I am delirious with how tired I am that I cant believe I have not passed out at this point!
The plane comes I get on and endure this long flight with only winks of sleep and bad breath and perfume aromas swirling around me. Seriously people I know you can smell yourself when you walk out the house and if you cant smell your breath I KNOW you can taste it! So before talking your neighbors ears off, or the flight attendant coming down the aisle, do us all a favor (Gum Check)
FINALLY THE FLIGHT LANDS!!!!!
I get down to the conveyor belt for my bags and lo and behold mine was the first one out ( sign of a good trip to come)
SO even though its raining off and on the sun still peeks at me from behind the clouds and its much warmer than Chicago.
Everything is just really fly in LA, from the weather to the scenery to MY SISTER and to the epicness that was to come! I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO
SO I'm there, and I called all the people that I put on a back burner for a little while..... There is no reason for them to be there anymore and it was quite wonderful to reconnect!
Its also a big boost to the ole self esteem when some one is beside themselves to come see you! Especially someone who has such an Intense schedule that (well I will call him my Wednesday boo) had. I love a man that works hard and grinds but knows when a prize is in front of them and puts all else aside to treat me like a queen! I will not go into that date, but just know it was an amazing one! Didn't get back into the house until about midnight and even though I didn't see him for the rest of my trip he made sure we talked to each other or texted everyday! That is one way to make a woman feel special!
MEN FOR REAL!!!! It doesn't take that much to text or call to let us know we are on your mind... if you want to be the reason I smile this will damn sure guarantee it!
SO I am all smiles and drifting into a wonderful sleep after day one of LA!
The next day was a chill one, That night I went to the Jamie Foxx Concert featuring, Too Short, Busta Rhymes, Snoop Dogg, and Drake. I meandered around the VIP but I am not one for concerts unless its some type of R&B singer, however I really enjoyed it, especially busta rhymes that man is sick with the mike! But my outfit was right, getting hella stares and I was with the best person I could have been with......
Onto day 3 of all star,.... The Kenny Smith Party!
It was crazy as HELL in there... super thick with some wonderful celebs (seriously a great networking night)
So after Damn near cursing some thirsty females out in the guest list line, me and Jamillah get in and as soon as we walk in it was just like seriously all eyes on us! It was funny because we coordinated in the same color! BLACK on DECK.... LMAO (Kya finish that one for me) So we walk around and see the aerial dancers and bar that was monsooned! and we promptly decide to walk upstairs to the VIP. Now I really don't know who half these people are up there but it was just a lot cooler and I was def not trying to sweat out the silky smooth!
So we get upstairs and we are just relaxing watching the scene and lo and behold who walks up to me...... I know what you are thinking which celeb is about to make my girl Shaheerah completely forget about her vow and sweep her off her feet!? Well to that I tell you none! It was the smallest gremlin looking dude! Why does this happen to me, in a sea of beautiful creatures the rock decides to talk! UGH
Anyway Im texting on my phone and he comes up all cool like trying to force me his number, "excuse me, how are you going to start with your number when you didn't even ask my name or offer me yours"? I asked ( I really hate that S(&^ what makes men think that it is ok to do that! Somebody please help me understand this moronic behavior)
So anyway he tells me his name and goes on about how beautiful I am and that if I want to go to the Dunk contest I should hit him up because he works for the Knicks... Now I know plenty of women that would be all salivating in ish but ummmm no bueno that is not me. So i politely ask "I'm sorry what was your name?" He tells me and when I tell him my full name, the whole script flipped..."oh man, wow, it is truly an honor I meant no disrespect" Now see why did we even have to go there! Why did I have to drop a name for you to think that I was a girl that deserved respect!? I mean I'm not in here half naked, my hair is not 50 different colors and I don't have piercings all over my face so where the hell did this guy get that IDEA! Pissed me off...
So of course he was was like, well please take my number and seriously if you need anything give me a call! Well I was pissed at this point so when I took his and he asked for my number I said as sweet as I could muster, I am sorry I have to be very careful who I give my number to! and left it at that! Of course he slinked away as he should of before he opened his mouth, but nonetheless the party must go on! AND IT DID!
Still in VIP I'm dancing a little and I see this little guy standing to the left of me def peeping out me and my sister! I recognized this one.. so when we caught eyes I said...hi whats your name
he said Joe
So I said Joe Torry right?
Yeah he replied... to which I said HEY you know my father (name drop LOL) and when I told him who he nearly lost it! Looked at me again and was like WOW you are all grown up! SO me and Jamillah are hanging out with him he starts talking to us and bringing all these people over to meet us! Like I said def a good night for networking! It was really cool he was like our Uncle for the night and he really looked out. He brought us back downstairs because it was getting really hot in the VIP section and me and Jamillah wanted to dance. And as I am standing near the bar who do I see...... sweetness from roll bounce Donovan something I don't know his name but I know you all would know his cute face! He was def giving me the eyes! But I do not care how rich or cute you are I don't like to approach people SERIOUSLY MEN NEED TO START TAKING THE CHANCE TO TALK TO A WOMAN!!!!! AND NOT THESE DISRESPECTFUL ASK DUDES WHO CALL YOU A B* ONCE YOU LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED!
So I walked away and danced with the sis and when my feet started hurting it was time to roll!
SO day number 4 which was Saturday if you aren't keeping up was pretty EPIC! I know I have met a lot of people in my life but this party was ridiculous! It was the Labron James and Jay-Z party so of course they were both there Jay..with Beyonce on his arm, Diddy, Drake, Rihanna, Ciara, Vinn Diesal, a bunch of ball players who I have no Idea what there names are, John legend, Jamie Foxx, and even ....well she doesnt really matter but the ball headed chick who used to be with Kanye! I cant really say too much about this party because there is such a thing as bad publicity and also being discreet but all I will say is me and especially Jamillah ( that tall drink of pure water) was killin them! Jamie didnt know how to act trying to get Jamillah to look at him! But it was a fun night! Could have been made better by Wednesday's date or my DJ mister who decided to hang out with the Jacka instead of me... I'm teasing I know you wanted to come out but that's why plans are in the making now!
Well anyway the next day I went to the game and Uncle Wes really hooked me up with some great seats! I loved it all and had my buddy Taron with me! He was laughing at all the comments I was getting (apparently its really fun to walk two feet behind me to hear what everyone says as I pass) however I usually block all that mess out! But we got it in at the game and truly enjoyed the night on Hollywood Blvd. I was soooooooo exhausted I was ready to get back home! The rest of the trip there is not much to report except that .... well a certain someone is still texting me! Gotta Love LA
AND I REALLY DID!!!!!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Day 5 and 6 (WOWZERZ!)
I am grouping these days together because lets face it ever since day 4 everything has been kind of running together!.
This weekend was quite possibly the longest weekend of my life, but not in a good way! I cant really go into detail of everything that happened but I am just really thankful everyone pulled through! Kya you are my rock for real I don't think I would have gotten through this weekend without you.
Everything really does happen for a reason and its amazing that God is always giving you signs. Now you don't have to believe me if you don't want, but his warnings are so real! HE gives you a warning every time you are dealing with anything, but it is what you do with that warning that can either save you from destruction or give you complete peace.
While I appreciate that God has blessed me with a kind heart often times I wish that my stern mind would put a leash on it and steer it the other way. There is nothing wrong with not helping someone if it is going to damage you.
I can say I do go out of my way to make sure the people around me are straight! Even if I spend my last dollar. But after this weekend I noticed that those people who I thought would be there for me in my time of need ( and It was really hectic) were no where to be found! I just don't understand it..... I have invested so much in these so called friends and as I was going through it there was no one really that I felt like i could just reach out to, and those that I did reach out to were unavailable. Well what if I was unavailable when your loved one died! You probably would have lost your mind. Or when you were contemplating suicide, you wouldn't even be here to be occupied, or when you had no where to go and I let you sleep in my house, or you had no money and couldn't feed your mouth! Its like all these people call me when they need something but when I truly need them no one is there!
I am so thankful for my family they really show love and care no matter what. No matter what you are going through with your family let that shit go ... Life is too short and you cant rely on these bastards out here claiming they love you or that they are your friend so I'm gonna ride with my family to the very end! Everyone else if you get the cold shoulder you know why! ( load it , cock it, aim it baby, boom bye bye) I'm done.
Its really hard when you know you are a good person ( and I know you shouldn't say it yourself because it makes you seem cocky) BUT EFF THAT! I am a good person and I treat people with kindness love and respect, and if being a decent human being means that you have to travel this world alone then so be it! Because I am sick of the leeches that surround me! I'm burning the heads off, the blood flow has been cut, there is no more of my life essence for you!
Normally right now I would be all haughty getting myself prepared for a single Valentine's day. But I am just so happy God gave me this horrible situation so I could see people for who they really are. So at least I know now who really has love for me and who does not! And I wont be wasting this special (commercialized) holiday with someone that is just there for the chocolate and some company! I will be with my family. The people who truly have my heart! And I am so thankful that they will treat it like I know it should be treated because I will do the same for them! And that is real love ( Unlike Mary J) I don't need to go searching for it!
This weekend was quite possibly the longest weekend of my life, but not in a good way! I cant really go into detail of everything that happened but I am just really thankful everyone pulled through! Kya you are my rock for real I don't think I would have gotten through this weekend without you.
Everything really does happen for a reason and its amazing that God is always giving you signs. Now you don't have to believe me if you don't want, but his warnings are so real! HE gives you a warning every time you are dealing with anything, but it is what you do with that warning that can either save you from destruction or give you complete peace.
While I appreciate that God has blessed me with a kind heart often times I wish that my stern mind would put a leash on it and steer it the other way. There is nothing wrong with not helping someone if it is going to damage you.
I can say I do go out of my way to make sure the people around me are straight! Even if I spend my last dollar. But after this weekend I noticed that those people who I thought would be there for me in my time of need ( and It was really hectic) were no where to be found! I just don't understand it..... I have invested so much in these so called friends and as I was going through it there was no one really that I felt like i could just reach out to, and those that I did reach out to were unavailable. Well what if I was unavailable when your loved one died! You probably would have lost your mind. Or when you were contemplating suicide, you wouldn't even be here to be occupied, or when you had no where to go and I let you sleep in my house, or you had no money and couldn't feed your mouth! Its like all these people call me when they need something but when I truly need them no one is there!
I am so thankful for my family they really show love and care no matter what. No matter what you are going through with your family let that shit go ... Life is too short and you cant rely on these bastards out here claiming they love you or that they are your friend so I'm gonna ride with my family to the very end! Everyone else if you get the cold shoulder you know why! ( load it , cock it, aim it baby, boom bye bye) I'm done.
Its really hard when you know you are a good person ( and I know you shouldn't say it yourself because it makes you seem cocky) BUT EFF THAT! I am a good person and I treat people with kindness love and respect, and if being a decent human being means that you have to travel this world alone then so be it! Because I am sick of the leeches that surround me! I'm burning the heads off, the blood flow has been cut, there is no more of my life essence for you!
Normally right now I would be all haughty getting myself prepared for a single Valentine's day. But I am just so happy God gave me this horrible situation so I could see people for who they really are. So at least I know now who really has love for me and who does not! And I wont be wasting this special (commercialized) holiday with someone that is just there for the chocolate and some company! I will be with my family. The people who truly have my heart! And I am so thankful that they will treat it like I know it should be treated because I will do the same for them! And that is real love ( Unlike Mary J) I don't need to go searching for it!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Day 4 Whew ( Wiping the sweat off my head)
All I really have to say about day 4 is I am glad we dodged that bullet! Moving on to day 5!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Day 3 No Pain No Gain!
I'm laughing at you... I'm laughing at you now! Crazy crazy crazy!
This day has been crazy but I love it. So far the ball is rolling faster than the speed of sound with this Orthognathic situation!
I just went to the dentist yesterday and already they are telling me I will be ready to be a brace face when i come back from All star!
Yes that's right All star! The time of year when everybody gets fabulous and parades around in their finest, throws their money and fame in every ones faces and goes to see these striking men entertain us! Oh how Roman we are! Bur seriously, although I couldn't care less about the Faaaabulousness of the events I am looking forward to having a great time with some of the best people i know, And sharing it all with my sister!
So the brace face situation...... I think for a long time I have thought about it but the irony of me getting braces during this 365 days is just too much to not discuss! I feel like I am a Caterpillar beginning to bind that web around myself to hibernate and grow wings so I can fly!
Butterflies were always my favorite! ( I wish Kristi could see this) but I know time will truly be the life of me! What I mean by that is that while others watch the time drone on and pray for a better day I want to make that better day now!
Life can become so mundane, and I hear people complain all the time about how they hate their jobs or their guy where they are living and I just want to get on my Benjamin Button soap box and exclaim, if life is not the way you want it "I hope you have courage enough to change it." At some point however hope is gone and you have to see the REALITY!!! Of your situation.
We can always hope for a better future or Hope things will get better in our lives but if you are not consciously striving to make this so, you can just keep on hoping until the day you die!
Hope is a wonderful thing but it is just the precursor to an action! Its like a scientist having a hypothesis and Hopes that this experiment will work.. but if he never gets out there and tries it out he will just keep hoping and that is wasted energy!
There is so much wasted energy.........here is to hoping that all you dumb a**es will continue to waste it so I can soak it all up and take over the world! Yes that's what I am thinking Pinky, (LBS)
But on a more serious note. I had a reality check today, while sitting in the dentist chair... ( I appreciate the dentist but you have to be a real masochist to enjoy that profession) So anyway what I was thinking while he was drilling to find oil, was that even though I am going through all this pain I cant feel it because of the anesthesia.... Success is a lot like that. When we are going through the worst situations, but we keep steadfast and on track, the pain we had to endure becomes but a whisper in the wind. God is so benevolent in the fact that he helps us forget what the pain even feels like. Think about it. The pain of this filling will last maybe a day or so but then afterward I am done with that for the rest of my life....... The pain of a break-up will last, who knows depending on how bad it is a few weeks to a few months, but after that it is over finished and you will never feel that pain again! Especially when God blesses you with someone new who will know how to care for your heart like the delicate fragile gold mine that it is.
Pain is necessary in life to really understand pleasure. Hate is needed to really be grateful for love. I thank God for the bogus relationships I have had from the frogs who were just frogs to the wolf in sheep's clothing to the Mad hatter! To the boy who just never had anyone show him to be a man! Without these men I wouldn't recognize the King that will stand in front of me.
So thank you!
Thank you for being so awful that I had no choice but to acquire a thick skin, Thank you for being so weak so I could recognize a strong man. But above all thank you for ending things when you did or showed me your true colors so I wouldn't fall into the depths of this world with you.
Hello pain I'm so glad to meet ya, but meet God he is a powerful anesthesia!
This day has been crazy but I love it. So far the ball is rolling faster than the speed of sound with this Orthognathic situation!
I just went to the dentist yesterday and already they are telling me I will be ready to be a brace face when i come back from All star!
Yes that's right All star! The time of year when everybody gets fabulous and parades around in their finest, throws their money and fame in every ones faces and goes to see these striking men entertain us! Oh how Roman we are! Bur seriously, although I couldn't care less about the Faaaabulousness of the events I am looking forward to having a great time with some of the best people i know, And sharing it all with my sister!
So the brace face situation...... I think for a long time I have thought about it but the irony of me getting braces during this 365 days is just too much to not discuss! I feel like I am a Caterpillar beginning to bind that web around myself to hibernate and grow wings so I can fly!
Butterflies were always my favorite! ( I wish Kristi could see this) but I know time will truly be the life of me! What I mean by that is that while others watch the time drone on and pray for a better day I want to make that better day now!
Life can become so mundane, and I hear people complain all the time about how they hate their jobs or their guy where they are living and I just want to get on my Benjamin Button soap box and exclaim, if life is not the way you want it "I hope you have courage enough to change it." At some point however hope is gone and you have to see the REALITY!!! Of your situation.
We can always hope for a better future or Hope things will get better in our lives but if you are not consciously striving to make this so, you can just keep on hoping until the day you die!
Hope is a wonderful thing but it is just the precursor to an action! Its like a scientist having a hypothesis and Hopes that this experiment will work.. but if he never gets out there and tries it out he will just keep hoping and that is wasted energy!
There is so much wasted energy.........here is to hoping that all you dumb a**es will continue to waste it so I can soak it all up and take over the world! Yes that's what I am thinking Pinky, (LBS)
But on a more serious note. I had a reality check today, while sitting in the dentist chair... ( I appreciate the dentist but you have to be a real masochist to enjoy that profession) So anyway what I was thinking while he was drilling to find oil, was that even though I am going through all this pain I cant feel it because of the anesthesia.... Success is a lot like that. When we are going through the worst situations, but we keep steadfast and on track, the pain we had to endure becomes but a whisper in the wind. God is so benevolent in the fact that he helps us forget what the pain even feels like. Think about it. The pain of this filling will last maybe a day or so but then afterward I am done with that for the rest of my life....... The pain of a break-up will last, who knows depending on how bad it is a few weeks to a few months, but after that it is over finished and you will never feel that pain again! Especially when God blesses you with someone new who will know how to care for your heart like the delicate fragile gold mine that it is.
Pain is necessary in life to really understand pleasure. Hate is needed to really be grateful for love. I thank God for the bogus relationships I have had from the frogs who were just frogs to the wolf in sheep's clothing to the Mad hatter! To the boy who just never had anyone show him to be a man! Without these men I wouldn't recognize the King that will stand in front of me.
So thank you!
Thank you for being so awful that I had no choice but to acquire a thick skin, Thank you for being so weak so I could recognize a strong man. But above all thank you for ending things when you did or showed me your true colors so I wouldn't fall into the depths of this world with you.
Hello pain I'm so glad to meet ya, but meet God he is a powerful anesthesia!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Day 2 All the Possibilities...
This morning I felt so refreshed, whereas yesterday I was second guessing myself of the success I would have doing this.. but now I feel nothing but great hope for the future! I worked out again this morning, so far keeping true to rule number 2, and I started reading a murder mystery novel, which is great. But all in all what is on my mind is me.
I know I am in charge of my happiness. and its up to me to pull myself out of whatever muck I am in. I am so thankful for my mother and my father my sisters and my brother! The core of my family! Yes I come from a large extended family and sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming but I have an excellent immediate family and I am so proud of all or their accomplishments. That is what its all about...support!
Support and Friendship! It is so important to have that female bond! I used to be one of those women that said.... I cant be friends with women! And you know what that is really a shame! Its not that I didn't want to be friends with women but the hurt that women put me through made it hard for me to trust them with my friendship. With that being said... why is it so easy for us (women) to forgive our male companions when they do us dirty than it is to forgive our female friends?
I have been hurt, but looking back at all the things that have made me cry it wasn't the women that was behind it all... actually in retrospect women were responsible for very few incidents that really left a mark on me. So why do we allow the men to come into our lives and separate us from those people that truly mean the world to us and have been down with us from the moment we introduced ourselves. Well no more!
I know one of the rules is I will meet new people and have new experiences... but to amend that rule I will also add that I will reconnect with those women that truly inspired me and helped me get through some difficult times! I sometimes wonder why we ever parted in the first place? It seems so silly now! Having fights because some girl looks better than you, or dresses nicer than you, or has longer hair than you do, clearer skin cuter body nicer boyfriend..... SO WHAT!!!! Don't hate on what you don't have just work with what you do!
Another thing that is a shame is when women get in relationships we tend to let the man take over so much of our time we no longer have any more for those ladies nights! God I miss ladies nights ( And no I am not talking about the ones where we put on something sexy and saunter around a darkly lit club with pervs sniffing our trail! I HATE THOSE!!!!!! But the old school sleepovers! Back then when we used to have our fuzzy slippers on good snacks and girl talk! I know every single lady just had an AWWWWWWW moment because I know you miss those.
I miss talking about our crushes... or what is cute or even the changes in our bodies as we get older (LOL) to the weather and political races even a new project or business we want to do next! I have had some of the greatest Ideas just sitting and chatting with my girl friends! And that's because women care about more than who's is bigger and who can dribble or catch a ball! I love sports don't get me wrong but It is so funny to devote all of your thinking to something so minuscule when there is so much more happening!
You know what I think about? How am I going to be the second black woman to win an Oscar and this time do it in a role that doesn't compromise my integrity as an actress? Or how am I going open up this school for underprivileged youth that never have the opportunity to express themselves healthily creatively and through art? How am I going to raise the standard of what we expect and what we will put up with so another little girl or boy doesn't have to be molested or raped or abused mentally or physically? How can I tell these women that there is another side to every situation! Meaning if you are in a really negative relationship that if you have the courage to pull yourself out there will be a positive one waiting for you. We don't have to deal with the madness just because it surrounds us!
I used to be made fun of because I marched to my own drum... I was in "Shaheerah Land" as someone once said in a malicious sort of way. But what is wrong with that? I know that there is a lot of SHIT!!!!!! I mean piles of it everywhere I look, but in my world that pile of shit is blooming roses and I just want to put some rose colored glasses on these people around me so they can see that it can one day be better. I mean we have to start from somewhere..... So why not with 365 days! How much good can you do to yourself and to your own personal environment in 1 year? I challenge you....... there are so many Possibilities
I know I am in charge of my happiness. and its up to me to pull myself out of whatever muck I am in. I am so thankful for my mother and my father my sisters and my brother! The core of my family! Yes I come from a large extended family and sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming but I have an excellent immediate family and I am so proud of all or their accomplishments. That is what its all about...support!
Support and Friendship! It is so important to have that female bond! I used to be one of those women that said.... I cant be friends with women! And you know what that is really a shame! Its not that I didn't want to be friends with women but the hurt that women put me through made it hard for me to trust them with my friendship. With that being said... why is it so easy for us (women) to forgive our male companions when they do us dirty than it is to forgive our female friends?
I have been hurt, but looking back at all the things that have made me cry it wasn't the women that was behind it all... actually in retrospect women were responsible for very few incidents that really left a mark on me. So why do we allow the men to come into our lives and separate us from those people that truly mean the world to us and have been down with us from the moment we introduced ourselves. Well no more!
I know one of the rules is I will meet new people and have new experiences... but to amend that rule I will also add that I will reconnect with those women that truly inspired me and helped me get through some difficult times! I sometimes wonder why we ever parted in the first place? It seems so silly now! Having fights because some girl looks better than you, or dresses nicer than you, or has longer hair than you do, clearer skin cuter body nicer boyfriend..... SO WHAT!!!! Don't hate on what you don't have just work with what you do!
Another thing that is a shame is when women get in relationships we tend to let the man take over so much of our time we no longer have any more for those ladies nights! God I miss ladies nights ( And no I am not talking about the ones where we put on something sexy and saunter around a darkly lit club with pervs sniffing our trail! I HATE THOSE!!!!!! But the old school sleepovers! Back then when we used to have our fuzzy slippers on good snacks and girl talk! I know every single lady just had an AWWWWWWW moment because I know you miss those.
I miss talking about our crushes... or what is cute or even the changes in our bodies as we get older (LOL) to the weather and political races even a new project or business we want to do next! I have had some of the greatest Ideas just sitting and chatting with my girl friends! And that's because women care about more than who's is bigger and who can dribble or catch a ball! I love sports don't get me wrong but It is so funny to devote all of your thinking to something so minuscule when there is so much more happening!
You know what I think about? How am I going to be the second black woman to win an Oscar and this time do it in a role that doesn't compromise my integrity as an actress? Or how am I going open up this school for underprivileged youth that never have the opportunity to express themselves healthily creatively and through art? How am I going to raise the standard of what we expect and what we will put up with so another little girl or boy doesn't have to be molested or raped or abused mentally or physically? How can I tell these women that there is another side to every situation! Meaning if you are in a really negative relationship that if you have the courage to pull yourself out there will be a positive one waiting for you. We don't have to deal with the madness just because it surrounds us!
I used to be made fun of because I marched to my own drum... I was in "Shaheerah Land" as someone once said in a malicious sort of way. But what is wrong with that? I know that there is a lot of SHIT!!!!!! I mean piles of it everywhere I look, but in my world that pile of shit is blooming roses and I just want to put some rose colored glasses on these people around me so they can see that it can one day be better. I mean we have to start from somewhere..... So why not with 365 days! How much good can you do to yourself and to your own personal environment in 1 year? I challenge you....... there are so many Possibilities
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
And the Night time Falls
So we have come to the conclusion of day 1, and this is usually where the loneliness would begin to set in..... but I don't feel lonely, I feel empowered! In just these short hours some amazing things have happened. I received my degree in the mail! Yes that's right College Graduate. I got some great well wishes from family, and lo and behold as soon as I say I am not committing to men, all the men start coming out the trenches hard!
What the hell is up with that? I swear I have heard from more people that I haven't talked to in forever today and frankly its kind of creepy! But something is different this time around. Normally I would get all giddy and my heart would begin to palpitate as I hung on to every word that dripped out of their mouth! But today it was more like ...."oh.....ok hi, how ya doing" Nothing special! In my Shug from color purple voice "God is tryna tell me something" And what I think that is ...is..... YOU ARE ENOUGH!
I am enough for me and I am ok with that. For too long I have tried so hard to be an us or a we or a me and you your mama and your cousin too, and I lost sight of myself! I was talking to my best friend earlier and the idea of what a relationship should look like just came to me.... and this is quite possibly the best analogy that anyone could ever come up with when referring to relationships ( bow to me for I am a genius) LOL but seriously, I compared relationships to a Venn Diagram. I know you all remember those things. You know you have circle A circle B and where they merge makes Oval C. Well thats how relationships should be. We shouldn't be consumed by our significant other. Instead we should allow them to merge into our lives partly but still maintain most of who we are!
I like that Idea! I am done trying to change a man to fit me! Are you serious? I mean why should I? So you mean to tell me that at the end of the day when i am trying to figure me out I still have to figure this bastard out too and find some kind of way to make him perfect for me? WRONG!!!!!!! Hell No we wont go! If the shoe doesnt fit i am not wearing it!....... That should be a rule lol.
But seriously Night time is the time where people are visited the most by their demons of their past or the skeletons in their closets. I think the reason this happens is because so many of us have never made peace with some decisions we have made.
I feel blessed that some of my more horrible decisions have not left me with anything permanent physically, But mentally they still weigh heavy on my soul. So to this I refer to the 1st rule! I will forgive myself, and to add on to that rule I will stop apologizing! For what? the thing about your skeletons are they are yours!!!! I owe no one an explanation or a play by play rundown of everything I have ever done in my life! I am a private person! ( i know what you are thinking, how in the hell can this woman claim to be a private person and she is blogging about her life..yeah right!) This may be true but a hypocrite I am not! I do not divulge the ins and outs of my life because it is just that... my life. Love it or hate it but I dont owe anyone anything. Now if I feel gracious enough let you in on a few details then you are one of the lucky few! But please do not impose your insecurities on me because you are upset about some decisions you made or still hurting from a situation someone put you in.
I was in A relationship once where I never cheated, I never lied, I never even had the thought of leaving. But almost everyday the insecurities of this fellow made it vary clear that he thought I was doing all of the above! I am happy I am not in that situation anymore but through it I have learned that what you do to someone can really damage them if they let it. And I refuse to be damaged goods!
You have to know who you are and what you will stand for, love does not mean you have to put up with bull, nor does it mean you have to tell everything about yourself.
Word to the wise: If you are in a situation where a person is putting you down or taking those inner most secrets and throwing them in your face....... dont walk run the other way! Life is hard enough without me having to apologize for something that is between me and God!
I will no longer ask for explanations! When ever love finds me again, it will start when we start! There is no reason to learn about someones past if you cant handle the response that is given! So until I am ready for it I will not ask......
I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to express myself through words! I know this blog will probably shift a lot of people out of my path but if this is so than I look forward to sprinting in the wind without an obstacle in my way!
Im living free like a wild Mare! and Honestly for now! I couldnt be happier!
What the hell is up with that? I swear I have heard from more people that I haven't talked to in forever today and frankly its kind of creepy! But something is different this time around. Normally I would get all giddy and my heart would begin to palpitate as I hung on to every word that dripped out of their mouth! But today it was more like ...."oh.....ok hi, how ya doing" Nothing special! In my Shug from color purple voice "God is tryna tell me something" And what I think that is ...is..... YOU ARE ENOUGH!
I am enough for me and I am ok with that. For too long I have tried so hard to be an us or a we or a me and you your mama and your cousin too, and I lost sight of myself! I was talking to my best friend earlier and the idea of what a relationship should look like just came to me.... and this is quite possibly the best analogy that anyone could ever come up with when referring to relationships ( bow to me for I am a genius) LOL but seriously, I compared relationships to a Venn Diagram. I know you all remember those things. You know you have circle A circle B and where they merge makes Oval C. Well thats how relationships should be. We shouldn't be consumed by our significant other. Instead we should allow them to merge into our lives partly but still maintain most of who we are!
I like that Idea! I am done trying to change a man to fit me! Are you serious? I mean why should I? So you mean to tell me that at the end of the day when i am trying to figure me out I still have to figure this bastard out too and find some kind of way to make him perfect for me? WRONG!!!!!!! Hell No we wont go! If the shoe doesnt fit i am not wearing it!....... That should be a rule lol.
But seriously Night time is the time where people are visited the most by their demons of their past or the skeletons in their closets. I think the reason this happens is because so many of us have never made peace with some decisions we have made.
I feel blessed that some of my more horrible decisions have not left me with anything permanent physically, But mentally they still weigh heavy on my soul. So to this I refer to the 1st rule! I will forgive myself, and to add on to that rule I will stop apologizing! For what? the thing about your skeletons are they are yours!!!! I owe no one an explanation or a play by play rundown of everything I have ever done in my life! I am a private person! ( i know what you are thinking, how in the hell can this woman claim to be a private person and she is blogging about her life..yeah right!) This may be true but a hypocrite I am not! I do not divulge the ins and outs of my life because it is just that... my life. Love it or hate it but I dont owe anyone anything. Now if I feel gracious enough let you in on a few details then you are one of the lucky few! But please do not impose your insecurities on me because you are upset about some decisions you made or still hurting from a situation someone put you in.
I was in A relationship once where I never cheated, I never lied, I never even had the thought of leaving. But almost everyday the insecurities of this fellow made it vary clear that he thought I was doing all of the above! I am happy I am not in that situation anymore but through it I have learned that what you do to someone can really damage them if they let it. And I refuse to be damaged goods!
You have to know who you are and what you will stand for, love does not mean you have to put up with bull, nor does it mean you have to tell everything about yourself.
Word to the wise: If you are in a situation where a person is putting you down or taking those inner most secrets and throwing them in your face....... dont walk run the other way! Life is hard enough without me having to apologize for something that is between me and God!
I will no longer ask for explanations! When ever love finds me again, it will start when we start! There is no reason to learn about someones past if you cant handle the response that is given! So until I am ready for it I will not ask......
I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to express myself through words! I know this blog will probably shift a lot of people out of my path but if this is so than I look forward to sprinting in the wind without an obstacle in my way!
Im living free like a wild Mare! and Honestly for now! I couldnt be happier!
Officially Day 1 (its always hard to start)
I woke up this morning and looked over what I had created last night and thought "oh dear can i do this?" Already second guessing myself is not a good sign, but then I had to realize that I have the strength to do whatever I put my mind to! Its just been so long since I have put my mind to anything that is just strictly for me. Case in point on why I need to do this!
So I began to think that while this is a great idea I need to set up some ground rules! Some kind of structure is needed if I am going to get through this year.
With that in mind I am going to set up and stick to these rules even if I have to read them everyday to get them in my thick skull!
So here goes.....
Rule #1
I will forgive myself......... anything that has happened up until this moment I have to recognize that it has made me who I am. I will not keep apologizing for past mistakes or make excuses for them. It is what it is, I am human and expected to fall more than once and its ok. To hold onto regret and the fear of making mistakes is not living. It the exact opposite. So I will not fear life I will live it to the fullest and if I make a mistake so be it...(charge it to the game) and just pick up and move forward thankful for the opportunity to try again. Harboring those feelings will only make you sick, and I am trying to be a healthy me... which brings me to my next rule.
Rule #2
I will work out everyday....... Since allowing this inferior species of boys into my life, has enabled me to pack on the pounds I figure the best way to get back to enjoying me is to get the figure that I am most comfortable with! No more spanks or body magics for me its time to really get a healthy body so I can achieve a healthy state of mind.
Rule #3
I will take chances and meet new people without having the sense that I need to keep these people in my life....... I think I have spent so much time trying to prove to other people that I am worth being around that I kept energy in my life that should have been gone a long time ago. I equate this to holding on to that pair of jeans that you will one day fit again... Screw it throw them away you will feel better and eventually if you ever get back to that size you can buy a pair of new jeans that will fit maybe even more perfectly and and will be NEW!!!!
Rule #4
I will say no........ These are powerful words that I do not use very often! I used to pride myself on being a self sufficient girl and one day I looked up and realized I am exactly the girl I used to make fun of (Irony is a funny thing) God has a way of showing you yourself and the way life could be if you walked in someone else's shoes. I mean that girl shoes became my own, I was so afraid of not being liked or being wanted that I forgot how powerful no can be and how easy it is to say yes rather than say no. Well its time to reverse that. No more accepting invitations just because I want to get out the house ( leave already) no more being friends with people just because they are there ( wasted energy) and no more doing things having conversations or watching movies, shows, videos, etc... that I just don't give a damn about! Like D.A.R.E. ....... Just say no!
Rule #5
I will not talk about my exes, any of them.......... I spend to much time worrying about what they did or what they do or how they said it or why they didn't say it or didn't do it that I now realize they could probably care less that I even feel this way! Time to move on. Half the time we see it coming and the other half God is saving us from heartache with an abrupt departure ( I'm talking to you Lil sis!) Time to revel in the fact that I escaped alive with even half of my sanity and focus on putting my life together with an unshattering foundation, so when I ALLOW the next man to come into my life I will know that no matter what there will be no changing me unless I TRULY WANT TO CHANGE!
Rule #6
I will go out on dates and enjoy myself without feeling like I owe anyone anything....... Too much I think we forget how the system works! A nation can rise no higher than its woman and if we keep allowing these men to set the standards we will remain in the dark ages! I AM A PRIZE and I will remain, maintain and present my self like the true gift of grace that I am. I think women (myself included) fear so much that there are not enough good men out there so we settle for the Assholes that don't even deserve our time. What are we afraid of? Being alone? Well I don't know about everyone else, but I would rather sit in a room and read something I love for hours or holed up in my house with my favorite movies than spend one more second listening to the droning on of a man who credits himself with much more than he is due, or sit through another video game that I could give a crap about, or be in a house or car that is not up to the standards of what I want out of life just to have a warm body beside me... I'm over it! If a man truly wants your time he will put in the effort to make it so!
At this time that is all of the rules I can think of. So far I think I am off to a good start! But since this journey is meant to be reflective I will keep an open mind and if I come upon something that I feel should be a rule I will implement it.
The way this blog will go or at least what I will try to do is update my success as well as document my day to day and how implementing these rules are helping me to become a better me. Here's to hoping I see success and who knows maybe my journey can help you discover your own..... Alright .... Let the Journey commence!
So I began to think that while this is a great idea I need to set up some ground rules! Some kind of structure is needed if I am going to get through this year.
With that in mind I am going to set up and stick to these rules even if I have to read them everyday to get them in my thick skull!
So here goes.....
Rule #1
I will forgive myself......... anything that has happened up until this moment I have to recognize that it has made me who I am. I will not keep apologizing for past mistakes or make excuses for them. It is what it is, I am human and expected to fall more than once and its ok. To hold onto regret and the fear of making mistakes is not living. It the exact opposite. So I will not fear life I will live it to the fullest and if I make a mistake so be it...(charge it to the game) and just pick up and move forward thankful for the opportunity to try again. Harboring those feelings will only make you sick, and I am trying to be a healthy me... which brings me to my next rule.
Rule #2
I will work out everyday....... Since allowing this inferior species of boys into my life, has enabled me to pack on the pounds I figure the best way to get back to enjoying me is to get the figure that I am most comfortable with! No more spanks or body magics for me its time to really get a healthy body so I can achieve a healthy state of mind.
Rule #3
I will take chances and meet new people without having the sense that I need to keep these people in my life....... I think I have spent so much time trying to prove to other people that I am worth being around that I kept energy in my life that should have been gone a long time ago. I equate this to holding on to that pair of jeans that you will one day fit again... Screw it throw them away you will feel better and eventually if you ever get back to that size you can buy a pair of new jeans that will fit maybe even more perfectly and and will be NEW!!!!
Rule #4
I will say no........ These are powerful words that I do not use very often! I used to pride myself on being a self sufficient girl and one day I looked up and realized I am exactly the girl I used to make fun of (Irony is a funny thing) God has a way of showing you yourself and the way life could be if you walked in someone else's shoes. I mean that girl shoes became my own, I was so afraid of not being liked or being wanted that I forgot how powerful no can be and how easy it is to say yes rather than say no. Well its time to reverse that. No more accepting invitations just because I want to get out the house ( leave already) no more being friends with people just because they are there ( wasted energy) and no more doing things having conversations or watching movies, shows, videos, etc... that I just don't give a damn about! Like D.A.R.E. ....... Just say no!
Rule #5
I will not talk about my exes, any of them.......... I spend to much time worrying about what they did or what they do or how they said it or why they didn't say it or didn't do it that I now realize they could probably care less that I even feel this way! Time to move on. Half the time we see it coming and the other half God is saving us from heartache with an abrupt departure ( I'm talking to you Lil sis!) Time to revel in the fact that I escaped alive with even half of my sanity and focus on putting my life together with an unshattering foundation, so when I ALLOW the next man to come into my life I will know that no matter what there will be no changing me unless I TRULY WANT TO CHANGE!
Rule #6
I will go out on dates and enjoy myself without feeling like I owe anyone anything....... Too much I think we forget how the system works! A nation can rise no higher than its woman and if we keep allowing these men to set the standards we will remain in the dark ages! I AM A PRIZE and I will remain, maintain and present my self like the true gift of grace that I am. I think women (myself included) fear so much that there are not enough good men out there so we settle for the Assholes that don't even deserve our time. What are we afraid of? Being alone? Well I don't know about everyone else, but I would rather sit in a room and read something I love for hours or holed up in my house with my favorite movies than spend one more second listening to the droning on of a man who credits himself with much more than he is due, or sit through another video game that I could give a crap about, or be in a house or car that is not up to the standards of what I want out of life just to have a warm body beside me... I'm over it! If a man truly wants your time he will put in the effort to make it so!
At this time that is all of the rules I can think of. So far I think I am off to a good start! But since this journey is meant to be reflective I will keep an open mind and if I come upon something that I feel should be a rule I will implement it.
The way this blog will go or at least what I will try to do is update my success as well as document my day to day and how implementing these rules are helping me to become a better me. Here's to hoping I see success and who knows maybe my journey can help you discover your own..... Alright .... Let the Journey commence!
The Grand Idea!
SO I was on Twitter today and thanks to a girl I knew in Highschool I was hipped to a great blog that really got me to thinking. I love talking and saying whats on my mind but after being in a "situation" I kinda lost myself and and forgot that my words and input are what make me special! ( you dont have to agree but this is my feeling so just let me have it dammit)
So anyway I am sitting here thinking that for damn near 5 long years, and possibly even longer then that, due to high school loves and and the men that have slipped through the cracks. I have not had an opportunity to just really be by myself and enjoy me and the woman that I have become.
Lets face it, I think a lot of us go through our daily routines feeling incomplete because we dont have anyone to share it with. Well im sick of feeling inadequate trying to fit with someone instead of just being adequate for me with just me! I love my company. I can read when i want eat when i want, sleep listen to music shower burp, you name it I am comfortable enough to do it around me.
So with that being said for 365 days I am consciously swearing off men! Thats right, its time to collect the cobwebs and revel in the silence and the comfort of my own thoughts and solutions. Time to lit the weight of all the negative energy and self harming thoughts ( that honestly are an imposition of what other people feel) NOT MY OWN THOUGHTS AT ALL!!! } And just be happy in my solace.
Its going to be hard, but I am going to do it!
So anyway I am sitting here thinking that for damn near 5 long years, and possibly even longer then that, due to high school loves and and the men that have slipped through the cracks. I have not had an opportunity to just really be by myself and enjoy me and the woman that I have become.
Lets face it, I think a lot of us go through our daily routines feeling incomplete because we dont have anyone to share it with. Well im sick of feeling inadequate trying to fit with someone instead of just being adequate for me with just me! I love my company. I can read when i want eat when i want, sleep listen to music shower burp, you name it I am comfortable enough to do it around me.
So with that being said for 365 days I am consciously swearing off men! Thats right, its time to collect the cobwebs and revel in the silence and the comfort of my own thoughts and solutions. Time to lit the weight of all the negative energy and self harming thoughts ( that honestly are an imposition of what other people feel) NOT MY OWN THOUGHTS AT ALL!!! } And just be happy in my solace.
Its going to be hard, but I am going to do it!
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