So we have come to the conclusion of day 1, and this is usually where the loneliness would begin to set in..... but I don't feel lonely, I feel empowered! In just these short hours some amazing things have happened. I received my degree in the mail! Yes that's right College Graduate. I got some great well wishes from family, and lo and behold as soon as I say I am not committing to men, all the men start coming out the trenches hard!
What the hell is up with that? I swear I have heard from more people that I haven't talked to in forever today and frankly its kind of creepy! But something is different this time around. Normally I would get all giddy and my heart would begin to palpitate as I hung on to every word that dripped out of their mouth! But today it was more like ...."oh.....ok hi, how ya doing" Nothing special! In my Shug from color purple voice "God is tryna tell me something" And what I think that is ...is..... YOU ARE ENOUGH!
I am enough for me and I am ok with that. For too long I have tried so hard to be an us or a we or a me and you your mama and your cousin too, and I lost sight of myself! I was talking to my best friend earlier and the idea of what a relationship should look like just came to me.... and this is quite possibly the best analogy that anyone could ever come up with when referring to relationships ( bow to me for I am a genius) LOL but seriously, I compared relationships to a Venn Diagram. I know you all remember those things. You know you have circle A circle B and where they merge makes Oval C. Well thats how relationships should be. We shouldn't be consumed by our significant other. Instead we should allow them to merge into our lives partly but still maintain most of who we are!
I like that Idea! I am done trying to change a man to fit me! Are you serious? I mean why should I? So you mean to tell me that at the end of the day when i am trying to figure me out I still have to figure this bastard out too and find some kind of way to make him perfect for me? WRONG!!!!!!! Hell No we wont go! If the shoe doesnt fit i am not wearing it!....... That should be a rule lol.
But seriously Night time is the time where people are visited the most by their demons of their past or the skeletons in their closets. I think the reason this happens is because so many of us have never made peace with some decisions we have made.
I feel blessed that some of my more horrible decisions have not left me with anything permanent physically, But mentally they still weigh heavy on my soul. So to this I refer to the 1st rule! I will forgive myself, and to add on to that rule I will stop apologizing! For what? the thing about your skeletons are they are yours!!!! I owe no one an explanation or a play by play rundown of everything I have ever done in my life! I am a private person! ( i know what you are thinking, how in the hell can this woman claim to be a private person and she is blogging about her life..yeah right!) This may be true but a hypocrite I am not! I do not divulge the ins and outs of my life because it is just that... my life. Love it or hate it but I dont owe anyone anything. Now if I feel gracious enough let you in on a few details then you are one of the lucky few! But please do not impose your insecurities on me because you are upset about some decisions you made or still hurting from a situation someone put you in.
I was in A relationship once where I never cheated, I never lied, I never even had the thought of leaving. But almost everyday the insecurities of this fellow made it vary clear that he thought I was doing all of the above! I am happy I am not in that situation anymore but through it I have learned that what you do to someone can really damage them if they let it. And I refuse to be damaged goods!
You have to know who you are and what you will stand for, love does not mean you have to put up with bull, nor does it mean you have to tell everything about yourself.
Word to the wise: If you are in a situation where a person is putting you down or taking those inner most secrets and throwing them in your face....... dont walk run the other way! Life is hard enough without me having to apologize for something that is between me and God!
I will no longer ask for explanations! When ever love finds me again, it will start when we start! There is no reason to learn about someones past if you cant handle the response that is given! So until I am ready for it I will not ask......
I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to express myself through words! I know this blog will probably shift a lot of people out of my path but if this is so than I look forward to sprinting in the wind without an obstacle in my way!
Im living free like a wild Mare! and Honestly for now! I couldnt be happier!
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