Amazing are the words that come to mind when thinking about this weekend! I truly needed that wisdom! I wasn't sure when I sat down to write this blog exactly what I would touch on, however it came to me like a lightning bolt due to a conversation I had with a certain brother last night. The conversation dealt with love and I feel it is very appropriate for this blog considering the content on which it was created. Now before brother Andre and I had this discussion a reoccurring theme of relationships was very prevalent through the weekend.
OK now before I say what I have to say please note the middle child syndrome has run its course and I am just seeing things as they really are.
As I was passing by all the brothers and sisters in the mosque I began to realize how completely detached I am from everyone and everything. I couldn't help but notice the difference in the reception of my other family members vs the reception of me! Now granted I have been out of the picture for awhile due to school, but now that I am back I see there is a definite difference between them and me! I barely knew anyone, no one's name was even in my memory bank, honestly I had no recollection of meeting a lot of these people. However the ones that I did and do remember it seemed they completely forgot all about me or if they didn't, could really care less to see what type of woman I am now.
I suppose I bring these things on myself because I am kind of a touch and go person, pretty hot and cold, but that is just the way I am. I don't mean any disrespect or to denote any feelings of ethnocentrism. I do not feel I am better than anyone, I don't think I am owed the world, and a lot of times I deliberately allow people to overlook me because I don't want to feel like an attention hog like everyone thinks that I am. However when I speak I am passionate, I don't back down, I am fiercely loyal and protective of the ones that I love and perhaps that is just too much to take in, suffice it to say that even though I am an actress that does not transcend into my every day life, I still get my feelings hurt I still want love I still need attention but just because this is a basic human need when I voice it I don't want to be made to feel like a criminal for wanting these things!
Now this brings me to the conversation I had with brother Andre, although it was random that we were having this conversation because he was not there to see me at all ( honestly the entire weekend I kind of felt like the 3rd wheel but no matter) It was just really interesting to hear a mans view on love. See to him he believed that women are not capable of true love ( I know right...WTF men just really have no idea) however I feel like some men are not capable of the act and just the illusion that they are in love, but regardless the question was posed How do you know when you are really in love?
I thought about this for awhile and I began to think on the lecture from that afternoon/evening (Grandpa, well the Minister really cooked... seriously I cant believe that man is almost 78 and he was up there for 4 1/2 hours, If you didn't hear it I advise you to get the DVD seriously!) and one of the ideas of the lecture was totally transferable to the conversation we were having. See Grandpa said that we all have that memory bank in our heads that records every little thing we do....if someone asked you to remember the first dirty nasty thing you did odds are you Will remember it and in great detail, but if they asked you the first good thing you did it might be a little hazy (I'm paraphrasing of course) ...but why is that? This is so because it is in our nature to do right and good, being a gracious good creature is our nature so much in fact that its effortless to do good. So when I thought about the question ...How do you know you are really in love? I thought, it's when it feels effortless and you can just be yourself.
All the people that don't know me or no longer act like they know me...its OK. I am fine with it! Because I no longer have to put forth the effort in trying to appease these people when I would much rather be working on something more important, The person that is meant for me will accept me as I am. They wont mind that I am kind of shy but really rambunctious, or really silly like a child but as serious as a professor, or sensitive as a baby but as aggressive as a bull, all these attributes I am proud of. Now they may come off as bipolar but I like to think I am pretty awesome as I am.
However looking at the way this weekend turned out as far as men are concerned.. I have to remember this is the energy that I am putting forth in the world! When I decided to write this blog I swore that I would not be serious about any man in particular and perhaps all the men in the mosque are very focused on being serious! Case and point all the sisters ad brothers from LA that may have just hit adulthood and have already walked down the aisle... I'm happy for them that they know themselves enough to begin to learn and love someone else but clearly I need more time. And I think that is what God gave me this weekend.
He gave me the opportunity to be the observer instead of the initiator or collaborator, perhaps so that I could see myself and where I normally mess up as a third party so I wouldn't actually be making those mistakes!
See I had male friends or "brothers" that wanted to come by and see me, but in retrospect I am glad they didn't because one of them is involved with another woman and no matter how cool of friends we are the nature of a man and woman still manifests itself when dealing with "natural men" and "natural women" and I just cant go that route.
Moreover, the group of guys that I have known for awhile would have been awkward because all the time that I have known them I have never been the primary contact because at a certain point each and every one of them tried to "talk to" one of my family members.
Its funny to think that I used to believe that I would never have any options because my family had seen them or attracted them all first.. but now that I look at where my life is beginning to take me I see my gaze can stretch this entire world over and I will have the opportunity to meet people that may have seemed far fetched to my youthful mind but is so attainable now.
All the dominoes are beginning to be placed in exactly the right sequence to make this life a beautiful one, and the funny part is I know its heading in the right direction because it seems so effortless
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